Episode 132

full
Published on:

10th Jul 2024

Crusade 1 - I Like Pew Pews with My Pew Pews

Join Laura and Xhafer, two internet strangers as they get to know each other while making jokes about one of their favorite TV shows from their childhood, Babylon 5.

Laura and Xhafer begin their coverage of Crusade. Laura bemoans the show's sad beige aesthetic. Xhafer needs more cowbell in his space battles. Meanwhile, Captain Gideon assembles a crew to search for a cure for the Drakh Plauge in Crusade: Episode 1 - Warzone.

Transcript
Xhafer:

Hello and welcome to Who Are You?

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This is a Babylon 5 watchcast hosted

by two former strangers now friends

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who have gotten to know each other

while we were watching a favorite

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show from their childhood, Babylon 5.

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I'm Trafair.

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Laura: And I'm Laura, and this

is a Crusade Watchcast Now.

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Xhafer: Yep, we did it.

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We are on to Crusade.

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We've got 13 episodes of Crusade.

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We're watching it in JMS's recommended

order which is not anywhere close to air

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order, but also only five episodes aired,

so that gets super fucky really quick.

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Laura: Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Xhafer: But we are watching

what is the first episode,

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regardless of order, I think.

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I think they all start with Warzone,

for probably pretty obvious reasons.

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This is really about getting

the crew together and stuff, so.

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Laura: Yeah, you can't not

put this episode first, right?

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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JMS hated this fucking episode.

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Uh, This episode was made

entirely at the behest of TNT.

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He didn't want to make this episode.

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He didn't think it was necessary.

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Laura: Okay.

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Xhafer: Watch Call to Arms,

we'll work the other characters

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in as they show up, we're good.

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Was kinda his thought.

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Laura: I don't know if

I buy that, actually.

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I might be on TNT's side here.

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Xhafer: If it was just gonna be The

Long Road as the next episode, cause

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Spoilers, we're recording back to back

today, so we've already watched a ton

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of our Noteswatch of the next episode.

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Laura: Mm hmm.

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Xhafer: I would agree

that that's a tough pilot.

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Laura: Yeah, like, no.

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Xhafer: But, if we

think back to Babylon 5,

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Laura: Sure.

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Xhafer: it is along the lines of an

episode like Midnight on the Firing Line.

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Laura: I would argue it is not as

good as Midnight on the Firing Line.

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Xhafer: Oh, well I'm not

trying to say it's as good as

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Midnight on the Firing Line.

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I am defending zero episodes

of Crusade at this time.

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Heh heh.

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But,

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Laura: good, good.

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Xhafer: It's more along the lines

of that story that that episode's

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trying to tell, where it's not, it,

it, that episode very much starts

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in media res this episode does not.

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So, yeah, and speaking of starting

in media res, we start in media

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media with ISN in a broadcast, oh

shit, no, we have to do an intro.

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Laura: was

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Xhafer: I just steamrolled past the

cold open because I saw, I saw my segue.

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Laura: good opening, but I was like,

wait, where are we going to do that now?

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Or I mean, we can just do

episode now if you want.

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Xhafer: No, we, we have new questions for

our new series because this show asks a

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handful of questions in its introduction.

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Some of which, as an audience,

I know we're familiar with.

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Who are you?

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What do you want?

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Kind of our thing here.

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So, but they ask two more questions

that we're going to ask ourselves.

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And we're going to ask the

guests that we've got lined up.

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Coming down the pipeline for Crusade

here, which is where are you going, whom

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do you serve, and whom do you trust?

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Laura: These could get

really deep, really fast.

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Where are you going?

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Maybe not as much, but the

other two, it's like, whoa.

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Xhafer: Yeah But we're not starting there.

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We're starting with where are you going?

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So Laura, I have to ask,

where are you going?

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Woop

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Laura: answer is that we're going

to Star Trek Las Vegas soon.

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Right?

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Because

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Xhafer: woop!

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Laura: talking about that

only for like the whole year.

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Right?

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Xhafer: Right, we're very,

we're both very excited.

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Um, it's looking like most of

the PodFam is going to be there.

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Laura: hmm.

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Xhafer: very excited to get to hang

out with everyone all together.

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Laura: In

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person.

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Xhafer: I'm so excited for you to get to

hang out with Ben and Glorianne in person.

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Laura: I really am.

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Like, you and Beth are great, but I

haven't met them yet, and just working

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with Glow on the last few episodes of

Cool Girls, like, I am ready for a hang.

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I need this.

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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Yeah, no, you three should go off

and do, find some explosions to

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not look at and get some photos.

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It's Vegas, there has to be

an explosion somewhere you can

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Laura: Right?

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On that big, like, the sphere, right?

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Somebody ought to do explosions on that.

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Surely.

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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That'll happen, probably.

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Laura: Yeah, yeah.

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But the not obvious answer to

this question is I'm going on

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a trip that I don't think I've

gotten to tell you about yet.

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Xhafer: No, this is news.

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Laura: Yeah.

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So part of going back to school,

you know, I'm going to start

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the PhD program on August 19th.

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Some of my funding comes from KPMG's PhD

project, and they let me know that I am

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invited to a conference that KPMG pays

for Yeah, so like, I, I have to pay a

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few things, but like the flight, hotel,

conference fees, that's all covered.

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So,

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that actually is happening

August 10th is the first day.

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Xhafer: So right after

we get back from Vegas.

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Laura: Literally, yes, like

August 10th through 14th, I'm

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going to be in Washington, D.

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C.

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for the American Accounting

Association conference.

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Xhafer: That's so cool.

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Laura: I'm really excited.

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I haven't been to DC in a long time.

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I was a teenager.

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Xhafer: I have a million

things to recommend.

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I spent a month in D.

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C.

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for work.

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Like, just living in

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the city.

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Yeah, it's a

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great

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Laura: This is, like,

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downtown, I think?

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So it's over two hotels.

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Like, it's at, like, the Marriott

and the Weston or something.

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And my cousin who lives in DC was

telling me it is pretty close to, like,

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the White House and all that stuff.

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Xhafer: Yeah, that makes sense.

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You'd need more space.

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You need more hotels.

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Because D.

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C.

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has very specific rules about

how tall buildings can be.

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Laura: Yeah.

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That makes sense.

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I could see that.

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You know, cities that have a reputation

to maintain need to have standards.

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I get it.

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Xhafer: Yeah, nothing's allowed

to be taller than the Capitol

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building on top of Capitol Hill.

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Laura: Yeah.

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That makes sense.

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Xhafer: And so if you're close, you only

have four or five stories to work with.

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Laura: Okay.

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Yeah.

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And uh, you know, I guess

it's a pretty big conference.

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I was looking at the schedule booklet.

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Like, it is crazy.

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Uh, But the first two days I spend

with KPMG's PhD Project students.

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Like, we spend it all together.

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And then we're free for

the rest of the conference.

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But I did have to, like, sign a thing

saying, Yes, I'm going to attend

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the conference and I'm not just

going to go sightseeing all day.

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That's crazy.

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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Laura: So KPMG's clearly been

burned by somebody in the past.

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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You'll have some time, I'm sure, though.

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There's stuff that doesn't close in DC.

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Laura: Yeah.

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I'm sure I'll get to go

walk around a little bit.

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It's just going to be pretty hot,

I imagine, just like it is here.

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So I'll be going from the surface of the

sun to maybe like the surface of Mercury.

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Xhafer: Yeah, that's, that's hotter.

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It's hot.

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It's so

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Laura: It's all hot.

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It's all horrible.

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Yeah.

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Xhafer: ugh, Anyways, that's so exciting!

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Congratulations!

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Laura: Yeah, thank you.

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I'm super excited.

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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That's gonna be a blast.

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I'm gonna ask you a really nerdy question.

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Laura: I love a really nerdy question.

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This is a Babylon 5 podcast, Ja'far.

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Xhafer: You're going to

an accounting conference.

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Laura: Indeed.

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Xhafer: Are there any guest speakers that

you're particularly looking forward to?

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Laura: Well, I don't really like know

the academia accounting stuff yet.

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You know what I mean?

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Like there's a couple of papers that

I've read that I'm like, Oh, it'd be

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super cool if this author was there.

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So I could like ask them about this

paper, you know, but it's like huge.

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And I just, I don't have

my feet under me at all.

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I can't believe they're sending

me to a conference before I've

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actually started my program,

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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Laura: but it'll be a

great learning experience.

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Xhafer: Yeah, no, that's super cool.

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Congratulations.

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Laura: Yeah.

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How do we

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segue that?

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Xhafer: yeah, I had such a good one

before, I don't even know anymore.

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Um, yeah, I don't know.

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We just, it's an episode.

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We have an episode of Babylon

5 Crusade to talk about.

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Season 1, Episode 1, I guess I

don't have to specify Season 1.

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Laura: Yeah, it's just crusade.

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Like in my, in all of my notes, I

have like, you know, Kept the season

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number, episode number, title,

and on Crusade, it's just Crusade

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Xhafer: Episode 1, yep.

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Same.

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Even in the big spreadsheet where

I track everything, it doesn't have

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Season 1, it just says Crusade.

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Laura: I'm not even putting

episode numbers on mine.

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Cause it's like, they're not it's our

episode one, but do other people consider

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it well, this one, they obviously should

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Xhafer: I'm going to be, I'm going to be

saying the episode numbers per what I see

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them on on DVDs and streaming services,

because that tends to be aligned.

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Everything seems to be in

the same DVD release order.

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And so I'm going to be calling out

what episodes they are in that order

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for the benefit of anyone who's

trying to watch along at home with us.

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So if like at the end of episode two, I'm

going to be like, Hey, and next up we have

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episode eight, you didn't miss something.

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We're just jumping around to follow JMS's

chosen true order to watch crusade in.

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So that's what's going on.

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Speaking of what's going on, that's

what we start with a bit of a recap.

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We start in media, media found

it uh, as ISN broadcast is

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catching us up on the battle.

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At the end of Call to Arms and the

release of the Drak Plague over Earth.

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Laura: I'm pretty sure that Gary

Cole, Matthew Gideon, as we find out,

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he's giving us the voiceover, right?

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I think it's the same voiceover that

Sheridan did at the end of Call to Arms.

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Xhafer: Is it?

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Laura: It's just like the same

speech, but he's doing it this time.

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I I'm like 90 percent sure.

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Maybe, maybe that's not true, but

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Xhafer: Just have him re record that shit

so you don't have to pay Bruce again.

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Laura: yeah.

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Xhafer: Classic network shenanigans.

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After this ISN broadcast,

we see Daniel Dae Kim,

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Laura: Yeah.

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Xhafer: Who was it?

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Had a super sex a super

successful career after this.

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Laura: You almost said super sexy career.

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I saw it.

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Yeah,

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Xhafer: it's in there.

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He's a Lieutenant Lieutenant Matheson

dealing with a possible mutiny of

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some Martians on their Explorer class

ship who are refusing to go to Earth.

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Laura: Yeah, they've, they're like

fistfighting this out, like, we

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do not want to go to Earth, it

is full of germs, that's fair.

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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Laura: Uh,

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Xhafer: Making people

go to Earth right now.

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The number of humans

not on Earth is limited.

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That is a resource you must preserve.

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Laura: Exactly, yeah, yeah.

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But Matheson can't quite break

them up perhaps they don't fully

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trust Matheson for some reason.

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Matheson and then.

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Matthew Gideon comes in, also

known as Lumberg from Office Space,

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Xhafer: Mm hmm.

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Laura: and breaks it up for real.

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Gets everybody in line.

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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He I, I looked into his career.

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Because Beth and I were just

hanging out on the couch yesterday.

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Mm hmm.

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Loungin watchin some YouTube

like we like to do sometimes.

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And she put on MediaSins for Dodgeball.

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And I totally forgot that he was

one of the announcers in Dodgeball.

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Laura: Was he really?

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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Laura: I bet that's good though.

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I bet that's fun.

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Oh,

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Xhafer: given, you know,

I watched the show.

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I was, I had watched episode

one at that point already and I

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was about to watch episode two.

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So, it was fun to see that.

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And then I did a little deep breath.

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Dive into his career.

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I forgot that he was uh, VP

Bob Russell in the West Wing.

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Laura: I didn't watch West Wing.

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I'm

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Xhafer: Oh, it's so good.

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Laura: Maybe I'll last time on it someday.

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Xhafer: Oh, that'd be good, yeah.

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Well, you'll have to trade away Beth

if you want to do it on Cool Girls or

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something, but we'll figure it out.

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but yeah, he's uh, he's

an American Gothic.

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We already said office space.

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I didn't realize he's the voice of

Harvey Birdman, attorney at law.

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Laura: Oh my God, really?

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I love Harvey Byrd, Man, Attorney at Law.

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It cracks me up.

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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Yep.

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That's, that's our boy.

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That's Gary Cole.

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he's in Veep.

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He's in like seasons of NCIS.

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He has 205 acting credits.

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Laura: Wow.

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He's a that guy.

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Okay.

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Xhafer: He is such a that guy.

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How many do you think our boy Bruce has?

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Cause I checked, cause I wanted

to know how they stood up.

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Laura: Oh, I'm going to go with a hundred.

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Xhafer: 140.

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Laura: Okay.

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I was a little low, but yeah, still.

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Hmm.

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Xhafer: Mm Hmm.

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And he's got a ton of series

regular stuff in movies.

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It's not just one off TV shows.

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Laura: Is it because Bruce is so,

like, distinctive that you have to

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have a, a role for Bruce, whereas Gary

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Xhafer: Mmm,

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Laura: you can just kind

of slot him in sometimes?

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Yeah.

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Xhafer: So, a lot of Gary Cole's

stuff, especially in the last

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15 years, is voice acting.

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Laura: That's fair, sure.

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Xhafer: Besides just Harvey

Birdman, he's been Commissioner

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Gordon in a bunch of stuff.

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Uh, he's been the Spectre in

a number of DC animated films.

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Um, just all kinds of

like random odds and ends.

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Laura: He's doing the Mark Hamill, yeah.

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Xhafer: yeah, so good for him.

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he, uh, is all like, Fine, I'll fight

you for the ship to this mutineer.

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Takes him out.

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Laura: I like that energy.

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Like, I want to bring

that into my work, sure.

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I'll fight you for it.

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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Laura: And it's full of

space debris to the theme.

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And at this point, I wrote down,

this is the theme, question mark?

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Xhafer: So I actually, I have a little,

like, so I'm watching like these

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weird AI HD remasters at the show.

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Right.

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Cause it's, it's what I have access to.

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Um, and so I'm like, Oh, maybe

the AI fucked with the theme.

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Right.

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So then I go, and I watch the second

episode and it's the same, and I'm

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like, Mmm, I don't think that would

have happened, but maybe it's the whole

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series, and it just got messed up somehow?

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So then I went on YouTube, and then

I watched a theme there a third time,

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and it was still the same shit, And

I'm just like, what is this Muzak?

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Laura: Yeah.

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It's not good.

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I turned to Aaron after watching our

second episode today, and I was like,

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Do you think the music killed this show?

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Because it's just so not good.

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It's not sci fi enough for me.

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It's like, you think about Star

Trek, you think about early

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Babylon 5, earlier Babylon 5.

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The music really enhances the moments.

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This music takes away from the moments.

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Like, not just the theme, but

the music in the shows, the first

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two episodes so far has been a

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major disappointment.

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Xhafer: It's like somebody

gave Moby a lobotomy and asked

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him to write elevator music.

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Laura: Yeah,

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Xhafer: It's real bad.

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Laura: did, I, I'm hoping TNT picked

this guy, or whatever, and not JMS,

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Xhafer: even check and I

know it's not Kristoff.

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Laura: it's not, yeah.

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Is it the same guy as Call to Arms?

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Cause that would make sense to

like, give him the movie because

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you're giving him the show.

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But I didn't like Call

to Arms much either.

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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It's bad.

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Also, while we're talking about this

theme, this is the same font from the

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you wouldn't download a car ads of

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Laura: Okay.

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Fonts in this show is gonna be a thing.

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Cause episode two, I got something to say.

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Xhafer: I know exactly

what you're talking about.

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Laura: Yeah, yeah, this, I mean,

I thought, I thought to myself,

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X Files, but you're right.

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You wouldn't download a car.

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It's that too.

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Yeah.

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Xhafer: Gideon regrets not getting

the uh, ship to Earth quick

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enough in his Explorer class ship.

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Which, hey, this doesn't

have any spinning bits.

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How do they have artificial gravity?

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Laura: Oh, good point.

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That's been well established.

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Xhafer: Yeah, we've seen

people on these ships, and they

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don't have artificial gravity.

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Laura: Yeah.

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Hmm.

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Yeah.

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And we haven't, we haven't been with

the Alliance long enough to like,

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Xhafer: I've

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Laura: mimbar y technology it, you know?

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Mm

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Xhafer: Even if that is the

case, these are the ships that,

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like, go out for years at a time.

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Laura: Right, they've been out for a bit.

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Xhafer: Yeah, they're the ships

that don't get these upgrades.

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Anyways They've been called the Mars

presumably because of the mutineer uh,

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is the vibe that's offered initially.

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Laura: Oh yeah, he's got like an

important daddy or something, right?

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Okay.

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Xhafer: right, fuckin Nepo Babies.

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I got, I got things to say about

Nepo Babies in this show, too.

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Laura: Yay!

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This is gonna be a great episode.

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Xhafer: Galen has to just, like,

show up, though, to remind us that

417

:

he's gonna be Arkosh, so he can

get a little, and so it begins.

418

:

That

419

:

Laura: I am enjoying the actor.

420

:

Is it Peter Woodward?

421

:

Is that Galen's

422

:

actor?

423

:

I'm enjoying everything he

says, like, I wish he was a

424

:

little more, like, distinctive.

425

:

I feel like everything in the show

is just not distinctive enough

426

:

for me, if that makes sense.

427

:

Like, all of the backgrounds are kind

of fading the same and all of the people

428

:

have the same outfit, haircut, height.

429

:

I don't know.

430

:

It's just like It's not, it's

not different enough for me yet.

431

:

And I wish he was a little more

distinctive, but I am enjoying his voice.

432

:

Galen's voice is great.

433

:

Xhafer: This we cut over to an Earth

Force destroyer that is attacking a Drok

434

:

ship and forces it to crash into Ceti

435

:

We find the Martian summons was so he

could set a course for exposition instead

436

:

of exploration because they talk a bunch.

437

:

Okay.

438

:

I got jokes.

439

:

The senator and the rando

explained that everything to us.

440

:

Again, this is like the second

time this episode that we get

441

:

the entire plot explained to us.

442

:

Laura: Well, we've had it explained

to us, Ja'far, but somebody

443

:

needs to explain it to Gideon.

444

:

Xhafer: Mm-Hmm.

445

:

Because that's how plots work.

446

:

The characters need to

know that they're in them.

447

:

Laura: Exactly.

448

:

Doreena.

449

:

Xhafer: and the Excalibur.

450

:

Over on SETI 4, the flyover shuttle

gets blown up by Drakk on the ground.

451

:

we see in interplanetary

expeditions Archaeologists make a

452

:

plan to avoid the hostile aliens.

453

:

We'll get to know this guy.

454

:

On Mars they have a bunch of very

field specific experts and Dorana,

455

:

Doreena.

456

:

Gideon sets up a meeting with

Doreena after going and talking

457

:

to all of the scientists and they

casually drop that Daniel Dae Kim

458

:

is a teep in this scene as well.

459

:

Laura: that's when I was like, oh,

this could be really interesting.

460

:

Dang.

461

:

Xhafer: Yeah,

462

:

Laura: hope it is.

463

:

Xhafer: but uh, The general is

all like Uh, she's in the thieves

464

:

guild, you can't bring her.

465

:

And he's all like, what are

you fucking talking about?

466

:

I need a fucking rogue for this party.

467

:

Have you seen our balance?

468

:

It is bad.

469

:

We're gonna have a sorcerer,

we're gonna have a rogue, you're

470

:

gonna have to deal with it.

471

:

Laura: Yeah, we already got

past this in Call to Arms.

472

:

Where were you, guy?

473

:

Yeah.

474

:

Xhafer: and Doreena kinda tells us she's

hanging with a technomage, without telling

475

:

us she's hanging with a technomage.

476

:

And it doesn't reference it when

he actually shows up at all.

477

:

Like it's so implied that they

came together and we get nothing

478

:

of it in this episode or the next.

479

:

Laura: Well, maybe that's just

the rogue thing, you know?

480

:

Like, don't sell out

your buddies completely.

481

:

Like, leave a little mystery.

482

:

Yeah.

483

:

Did you notice they changed her loaf?

484

:

Darina's loaf is different

from Call to Arms.

485

:

Xhafer: I didn't notice.

486

:

Laura: Sorry, I should explain the

reference loaf, just in case we

487

:

have non friends of DeSoto here.

488

:

Uh, The reference to loaf is

like face prosthetics for aliens.

489

:

Xhafer: Yeah,

490

:

Laura: Yeah,

491

:

Xhafer: said it a

492

:

Laura: hers.

493

:

They dialed hers back from Call to

Arms, like, you know, kind of smoothed

494

:

out some of her forehead stuff.

495

:

And it's a real DeLenn moment.

496

:

They like, but oh, maybe

we unprettied her too much.

497

:

Let's make her prettier again.

498

:

Xhafer: I mean, it's a win for the

actress, which I will celebrate

499

:

Laura: Sure.

500

:

Yeah.

501

:

Xhafer: because it's less

time in the makeup chair.

502

:

Exactly.

503

:

Yeah.

504

:

Our pilot over on City Alpha

4 asked co pilot for help.

505

:

And it's nice to know it still is

useless 250 years in the future.

506

:

Laura: Yeah.

507

:

All of these AI co pilot

things, just amazing.

508

:

Xhafer: they've got some, there's,

there's a couple of uses for

509

:

one of them, in my opinion,

510

:

Laura: Right.

511

:

Xhafer: it's probably not the one you're

thinking if I've got specific uses for it.

512

:

Laura: Yeah.

513

:

Yeah.

514

:

Have you noticed that about this

interplanetary expeditions party?

515

:

We have like the sensible captain.

516

:

That's the like lead archeologist, I

think, you know, he's being very sensible.

517

:

We have the nineties bad

boy pilot, of course,

518

:

Xhafer: of course.

519

:

Laura: and then we have

like one contrarian woman.

520

:

I was like, Oh, look, it's

all the whole playbooks there.

521

:

Xhafer: man.

522

:

So, after this we're back on the bridge.

523

:

And, we're told we have 4 hours

and 20 minutes to our destination.

524

:

And 30 seconds later we hear that there's

trouble in sector 85 by four by 20 a.

525

:

This is just lazy writing.

526

:

You can't use the same number so close in

different contexts right after each other.

527

:

Maybe it's just my pattern brain,

528

:

Laura: No, I agree.

529

:

This, this number should

have obviously been by 69.

530

:

Yeah.

531

:

Xhafer: yeah, 100%.

532

:

Yeah, TNT exec said this number.

533

:

It's like, look.

534

:

We don't feel your show is appealing

enough to high schoolers who like

535

:

making stupid jokes, so we're

going to need you to change the

536

:

sector number to 69 by 4 by 20.

537

:

Laura: Mm hmm.

538

:

Xhafer: Nice.

539

:

Laura: Nice.

540

:

Xhafer: See, we are the Dick and

Fart Joke Babylon 5 podcast still.

541

:

No worries there, audience.

542

:

If you were worried that our humor

would suddenly elevate for some

543

:

reason when watching Crusade,

544

:

Laura: Let's just disabuse

you of that right now.

545

:

Yeah, take that, Grace17.

546

:

Xhafer: Anyways, they go to

the downed Drak ship, Galen

547

:

makes his presence known here

548

:

to Gideon.

549

:

He like, talks to him

after the call's done.

550

:

Laura: You remember how we had trouble

with, like, Sherrod and Sinclair?

551

:

I have a feeling I'm going to have a

very difficult time with Gideon Galen.

552

:

Xhafer: It's so dumb that

their names are so close.

553

:

Laura: Yeah, yeah.

554

:

Also

555

:

that Matthew Gideon and John

Matheson, I'm like, come on.

556

:

You sound like me when I was trying

to write stuff in high school.

557

:

Xhafer: like, I don't, is this racist?

558

:

But how do you look at Daniel Dae

Kim and name him John Matheson?

559

:

Laura: Well

560

:

this is back when, this was back

when we were still having to like

561

:

whitewash everybody of color, right?

562

:

To make them a little more

palatable to America, perhaps?

563

:

Xhafer: oh, is that?

564

:

Okay,

565

:

Laura: I think, I think that's part of it.

566

:

I, I think that's some of it.

567

:

Yeah.

568

:

Not JMS's fault.

569

:

This is like, America's fault.

570

:

Xhafer: I mean, famously, anything bad

with Crusade is not JMS's fault, per JMS.

571

:

Laura: Mm, mm,

572

:

Xhafer: mm hmm, mm mm,

it's all TNT's fault, mm,

573

:

Laura: I,

574

:

mean,

575

:

he did have like, Senator Hidoshi.

576

:

He had like,

577

:

Xhafer: we've had some

multicultural names in this show.

578

:

Not as many as I would have liked,

given the amount of multicultural

579

:

characters we've had on this show,

580

:

Laura: Sure.

581

:

Xhafer: but still.

582

:

Laura: Again.

583

:

Product

584

:

Xhafer: I mean.

585

:

I will, I will 100 percent accept

TNT fucked with this show, because

586

:

at this very same time, TNT was

fucking with WCW so hard they

587

:

just made a documentary about it.

588

:

So, I mean.

589

:

Anyways, Starfuries take care

of a bunch of drach on the

590

:

ground, but more in hyperspace.

591

:

As the civvies are hiding out,

Gideon goes down and gives the

592

:

archaeologist his terms for the rescue.

593

:

Laura: Yeah.

594

:

Interesting choice.

595

:

Yes.

596

:

Xhafer: He said he was gonna piss a lot

of people off, but he'd get the job done.

597

:

Laura: Yeah, okay.

598

:

Xhafer: Yep.

599

:

Yeah, I know a lot of

assholes who think like that.

600

:

They end up not getting

the job done anyways.

601

:

Laura: Yeah, for real.

602

:

For sure.

603

:

Xhafer: they go to the town's drach ship.

604

:

And fight off some of

Rita Repulsa's putties.

605

:

Uh, Darina is uh, setting

them up the bomb here.

606

:

And the Drak reinforcements

jump into orbit.

607

:

Laura: We've had the Drak

soldiers on the ground.

608

:

Yes.

609

:

Xhafer: Yeah, yeah, they already

got, a bunch of them got blown up.

610

:

Laura: One thing I did like about

the costume choices for the Drak

611

:

is they're wearing a lot of high

waisted harem pants and I feel

612

:

like that's a look and I like it.

613

:

Um, and

614

:

collars, yes.

615

:

Xhafer: Oh, collars and skull

masks are so in this season.

616

:

And that's how we transitioned

to a fashion podcast.

617

:

Laura: Crusade fashion casting

618

:

there's a weird space battle

that we have a like sparse

619

:

musical score again, I noted.

620

:

Xhafer: Not only is it a sparse music,

it's like the music itself is sparse.

621

:

There's no dialogue.

622

:

There's no sound effects.

623

:

Laura: Yeah.

624

:

Xhafer: It is just this sparse musical

score, and I hated every second of this.

625

:

Laura: Is this we're trying

to be different than other

626

:

sci fi shows right now?

627

:

Because in the 90s we don't do this.

628

:

We have, we have the talking during

the battle, the orders being given,

629

:

we have the the exciting music.

630

:

And so we're like trying to be edgy

and different, I guess, perhaps?

631

:

Xhafer: I will take fucking

Legend of the Rangers shitty VR

632

:

over this no sound effect stuff.

633

:

Call me a purist, but I like

pew pews with my pew pews.

634

:

I

635

:

Laura: Yeah.

636

:

Xhafer: am a simple man.

637

:

I require few things in life to be happy.

638

:

Whiskey, security blankets, and pew pews.

639

:

That's it.

640

:

I got those three things.

641

:

I'm gonna make it.

642

:

Laura: Yeah.

643

:

Yeah.

644

:

It's the truth.

645

:

So the Excalibur wins,

646

:

Xhafer: Yeah, of course.

647

:

Laura: rescues the IPX

crew who captured a drach.

648

:

Very interesting.

649

:

The drach speaks to the archaeologist,

and this archaeologist, I guess, is also

650

:

like archaeological linguist, and he's

like, getting it, this drock refuses

651

:

to answer any questions as a prisoner

of war, and then just turns around

652

:

and sasses Gideon's ass in English.

653

:

Yeah.

654

:

Xhafer: But also I loved it.

655

:

Laura: Yeah.

656

:

Do you think he's one of those aliens

that just like, synthesized it really

657

:

quick from being around them, or have they

been sitting around like, with duolingo

658

:

Xhafer: Oh yeah, they've, yeah,

they're definitely getting

659

:

their Duolingo streak is high.

660

:

The Drak,

661

:

Laura: Yeah.

662

:

Xhafer: sure.

663

:

Gideon signs our two mains from the

archaeology crew to his mission.

664

:

And we learned Galen saved

Gideon's life as the Technomages

665

:

were leaving the galaxy.

666

:

Or whatever, to the edge of the

galaxy, wherever the fuck they

667

:

Laura: Yeah, I guess Gideon's ship

exploded or something, and he's

668

:

sitting there in his spacesuit,

just like, lost and dying.

669

:

Oh, and like, the whole fleet

or whatever is leaving him.

670

:

Like, you see ships, just,

they have no idea he's there.

671

:

Very scary, lonely space moment.

672

:

And he gets picked by

673

:

Xhafer: hmm.

674

:

And so Gideon puts this all together

and sets course for that location.

675

:

We cut over to Dr.

676

:

Chambers, who has been a

background character this entire

677

:

episode and said fucking nothing.

678

:

Uh, There was a little bit about

wanting to go to Earth and not

679

:

wanting to leave her sister behind.

680

:

Laura: Yeah, her sister has kids maybe?

681

:

Like she has a little niece or something?

682

:

Okay.

683

:

Xhafer: hmm.

684

:

Yeah, she got a niece.

685

:

The uh, Galen meets Gideon at a campfire

686

:

and, uh,

687

:

repeats the opening.

688

:

Laura: this is the Call

to Arms Stonehenge, right?

689

:

Is this the same set?

690

:

Or maybe not.

691

:

Xhafer: It might be re I don't remember

any really big, stony, henge y stuff,

692

:

Laura: I've just called it Stonehenge.

693

:

Xhafer: Yeah.

694

:

Laura: I don't know that

there was actually Stonehenge

695

:

in Call the Arms Stonehenge.

696

:

It just reminded me of that because

we're all sorcerers sitting around

697

:

in our druid, druid robes and hoods.

698

:

Xhafer: put on my wizard robe and hat,

699

:

Laura: Yeah.

700

:

Xhafer: never

701

:

Laura: one's ever done that before, right?

702

:

I'm just kidding.

703

:

I

704

:

really gave myself away there, didn't I?

705

:

Xhafer: Galen repeats

the opening to Gideon.

706

:

As he totally agrees to

come on their journey.

707

:

Laura: Definitely not because he's

been kicked out of the Technomage club.

708

:

That, that didn't happen.

709

:

Xhafer: No, not yet.

710

:

No, no, no.

711

:

Laura: Definitely probably not.

712

:

Xhafer: And that's our episode.

713

:

Laura: Yeah, let me see how many pages

I've got of these notes that definitely

714

:

I could follow really super well.

715

:

Four pages.

716

:

Four pages of notes.

717

:

Very

718

:

Xhafer: That's, yeah,

I've got three and a half.

719

:

Laura: Yeah.

720

:

Xhafer: and I, I normally average five

for an episode listener, regardless

721

:

of what it, if it's a 45 minute TV

show, five notes of pages doesn't fail.

722

:

Laura: Yeah.

723

:

Xhafer: I don't even know

what scale we should be using.

724

:

Laura: Oh.

725

:

Good question.

726

:

Xhafer: we've gotta say how

we feel about this episode.

727

:

Laura: Mmm.

728

:

Xhafer: I feel like if we rate it

on the Babylon scale, nothing's

729

:

going to go well for this show.

730

:

Laura: Sure.

731

:

Xhafer: Um, we, we could give it one out

of two destroyed prototype destroyers.

732

:

Destroyers?

733

:

Uh

734

:

Laura: of like the yum yum scale.

735

:

Is it yum or is it yum

736

:

Xhafer: yum?

737

:

yum.

738

:

Oh, I don't want to, I don't

want to step on their toes.

739

:

Um, we could say it is uh, one

through four of the main guns firing.

740

:

How many of the main guns of the

Crusader, of the Excalibur are firing?

741

:

We could use that to write an episode.

742

:

Laura: Yeah.

743

:

Okay.

744

:

That might be a little better.

745

:

I see.

746

:

That's the thing is like, I think

the more like nuance you add to the

747

:

scale, the worse it's going to get like

748

:

Xhafer: For sure.

749

:

Laura: the yum yum scale might

actually be more favorable to

750

:

this show than any other scale.

751

:

Xhafer: Yeah.

752

:

Laura: Hmm.

753

:

Xhafer: I will warn you, with Battlestar

Galactica, we will be raiding on

754

:

a scale of one to twelve colonies.

755

:

So.

756

:

Laura: okay.

757

:

Xhafer: Or maybe, maybe we could do it on

one to however many survivors there are

758

:

listed at the beginning of that episode.

759

:

It'll make sense when

you watch your first one.

760

:

It tells you how many humans are left

alive at the beginning of every episode.

761

:

Laura: wow.

762

:

Okay.

763

:

I had no idea things were so dire.

764

:

I trust Ronald D.

765

:

Moore, though, if I have

to do on a scale of 12.

766

:

Like, I think we can work with that.

767

:

I think that's gonna be okay.

768

:

I don't think Crusade

needs a 1 to 12 scale.

769

:

Xhafer: Crusade doesn't

deserve a 1 to 12 scale.

770

:

Laura: Yeah, yeah uh, well, if we go

with the main guns, how many times

771

:

did the main gun fire for you in this

772

:

Xhafer: Uh, I, I would say out of the four

main guns, I saw one charging up a bit.

773

:

Laura: Yeah, I was gonna be

generous and give this to,

774

:

Xhafer: It's, it's an episode.

775

:

It's, it's honestly, It's,

it's not even that it's bad.

776

:

Laura: right, right,

777

:

Xhafer: I mean, because

it's, it's not good.

778

:

It's so aggressively

mediocre and uninteresting.

779

:

Laura: It's beige.

780

:

Everything is beige for me.

781

:

Xhafer: 100%.

782

:

This is the least interested

I've been in anything.

783

:

Like, even like Legend

of the Rangers is bad.

784

:

Like it's, you can watch it and

groan and you're feeling something.

785

:

In this, this is the equivalent

of oh god, I don't know.

786

:

Like.

787

:

Depression.

788

:

It's just, there's nothing going on here.

789

:

It's just, it's so Blah.

790

:

The

791

:

Laura: Yeah.

792

:

Mm hmm.

793

:

The most interesting thing is when the

drach just opens up with sassy English

794

:

and it's like, oh, okay,

finally something happened.

795

:

Mm

796

:

Xhafer: Oh, Daniel to Kim's a telepath.

797

:

That's cool.

798

:

Literally only referenced in the

terms of it being maybe a problem

799

:

and does not factor in at all.

800

:

Laura: And I'm not sure if in that fight

in the beginning, if that factored in

801

:

but you You should see some sort of

racism there in that fight too, right?

802

:

Not just like, we don't want to go to

earth, but also like, I'm not listening

803

:

to you, you dirty telepath or whatever.

804

:

But I don't know if we got that.

805

:

I

806

:

Xhafer: We didn't.

807

:

No.

808

:

Laura: Hmm.

809

:

Xhafer: it's so blah.

810

:

Laura: Yeah.

811

:

Crusade starts with kind of a, a shrug.

812

:

Xhafer: Yeah.

813

:

A shrug might even be overselling it.

814

:

Laura: Yeah.

815

:

Yeah.

816

:

So, okay.

817

:

We'll see if we get the main guns

to ever charge all the way up.

818

:

Xhafer: Well, we'll have a chance

next week when we're watching

819

:

Crusade Episode 2, The Long Road.

820

:

Gideon mediates between earth

miners and the residents of a

821

:

planet containing a virus fighting

mineral and a fire breathing dragon.

822

:

I saw this description and I'm

just like, let's fucking go.

823

:

How did this show get cancelled?

824

:

I read that description

825

:

and I'm all like, How did this

show not be a success when

826

:

that's an episode description?

827

:

Laura: Well, we'll find

out next week, won't we?

828

:

Xhafer: We sure will.

829

:

Laura: But before that, we

have some thank yous to say.

830

:

Ja'far, do you want to kick those off?

831

:

Xhafer: Of course, I'd love to Jeremy,

Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy Siegel,

832

:

composer of our fantastic theme music.

833

:

Thank you so much, Jeremy.

834

:

So you had a big show

835

:

down in Jacksonville the

other day with the Savants.

836

:

Congrats.

837

:

Looks fun.

838

:

Wish I was in the area.

839

:

I'd totally go.

840

:

Laura: Mm hmm.

841

:

Same.

842

:

Xhafer: for composing our theme music.

843

:

You can find more of Jeremy's

work at JeremySiegel42.

844

:

bandcamp.

845

:

com, where he is the only Jeremy

Siegel that composes music.

846

:

Hard stance.

847

:

And then on your favorite streaming

services is Nuclear Jaguar.

848

:

Laura: And thank you to Angry

Duck Time Machine on Instagram

849

:

for our podcast artwork.

850

:

Xhafer: Hey, Aaron, we gave

you an easy one this week.

851

:

Laura: Yeah, sure.

852

:

Xhafer: Not true, actually.

853

:

Laura: Yeah, there's just

some big chunks that gotta go.

854

:

That's fine.

855

:

It'll be

856

:

Xhafer: it's a, it's a,

short episode for sure.

857

:

Laura: Yeah, Thanks for

your hard work with editing

858

:

Xhafer: Pretty, pretty shade it.

859

:

Laura: And thank you to you, the

listener, for being here with us

860

:

and journeying through Crusade.

861

:

I hope that you're enjoying this time

and that if you're not watching the

862

:

episodes that you're enjoying your

time, not watching the episodes.

863

:

Xhafer: Alright, well, we'll

see you next week, Internet.

864

:

Cause it's, it's 420, it's

the weed smoking number.

865

:

Yeah.

866

:

Laura: I'm so used to the sex number

that I forgot about the weed number.

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About the Podcast

Who Are You?
A Babylon 5 Watchcast
Join Laura and Xhafer, two internet strangers as they get to know each other while making jokes about one of their favorite TV shows from their childhood, Babylon 5.