Crusade 2 - Racist Against Reubens
Join Laura and Xhafer, two internet strangers as they get to know each other while making jokes about one of their favorite TV shows from their childhood, Babylon 5.
Xhafer prepares for a journey to the motherland. Laura questions the show's choice of fonts. Meanwhile, Gideon and Galen go on a D&D adventure in Crusade: Episode 2 - The Long Road.
Transcript
and welcome to Who Are You?
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:It's the Babylon 5 watch cast by
a couple of former strangers, now
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:friends, who are getting to know
each other over one of their favorite
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:shows from their childhood, Babylon 5.
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:I'm Laura,
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:Xhafer: And I'm Ja'far.
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:Laura: and Jaffer, today I get
to ask you, where are you going?
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:Xhafer: Well, where I'm going
is I'm going to the motherland.
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:Laura: Ja'far?
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:Xhafer: Well, the source of my
incredibly distinct name is my
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:father's family, and they're all
from Albania, which is where I'll be
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:going for the first time in October.
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:I'm very excited.
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:I am a multi generation American North
American through my Albanian family.
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:So I'm not particularly,
I, I have relatives there.
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:Laura: Uh Huh.
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:Xhafer: There, there are
no one I've ever met.
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:And I'm going with my sister
her boyfriend, who's also
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:one of my college roommates.
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:Uh, I'm going, Beth is coming along.
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:My uncle is going my mom declined.
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:Laura: Okay.
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:Xhafer: really her family
or her people anyways.
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:Laura: Yeah.
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:Xhafer: And then I might
have a couple of cousins.
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:We had at one point about 75 people
invited to this trip to Europe.
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:Laura: Wow.
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:Xhafer: not many were able to
accept for a number of reasons.
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:Laura: Sure.
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:Yeah.
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:Xhafer: But I'm real excited.
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:My sister's been once.
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:My uncle's been about 10 times.
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:Laura: How does one get to Albania?
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:Xhafer: An airplane.
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:Laura: Well, like, I mean, is there
just like an Albanian airport?
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:What's the major city?
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:Like, come on.
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:Xhafer: Yeah, no no, I'll be, I'll
be flying in through the capital
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:Tirana, which is a moderately, like
Albania is in the European union.
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:It is a NATO country.
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:Like, no, no, it is not large.
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:I will be seeing approximately
half the country on my trip
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:Laura: Yeah.
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:Xhafer: and that's taking it slow.
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:Laura: I've got to do this now
because we just brought up the size.
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:I need to know the square miles.
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:Xhafer: Oh, it's like Rhode Island sized.
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:Laura: Yeah.
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:I love these European countries where you
can get from like one side to the other
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:side in like, I don't know, an hour.
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:Xhafer: Yeah.
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:Well, it's mountainous where we'll be.
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:Laura: Okay.
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:Oh, that'll be pretty.
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:That'll be nice.
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:Xhafer: a handful of spots picked
out where I'm going to be hiking.
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:there's a couple of really scenic places.
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:The coast is like slowly becoming
a very famous party place.
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:Laura: Ooh.
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:Xhafer: in Europe.
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:Not quite Ibiza, but it's
working its way there.
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:so I'm gonna be having a lot
of fun there on that trip.
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:We're doing 12 days in Albania working
our way through the southern region of
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:it uh, which is where my family is from.
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:My grandfather's family
is from the capital.
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:My grandmother's family is from
a village of like 120, which Is
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:about how big it is currently.
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:I've definitely got
living relatives there.
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:Laura: Wow.
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:Xhafer: on the old family lot.
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:Um, my, my great uncle actually
had a gravestone installed for
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:him and his siblings there.
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:none of them are buried there.
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:They all died in North America.
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:Uh, but I'll probably go visit that
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:Laura: Yeah.
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:That's neat.
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:Xhafer: There's apparently, the village
specifically is, like, it has a cafe.
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:I will walk in, be choked out
by cigarettes, get a couple
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:strange looks, and leave.
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:Laura: Yeah.
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:Xhafer: Um, and then I will go to the
nearest town where we're hanging out.
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:That's, yeah, so there's all that.
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:And then at the end of that
12 days, I'm going to Prague.
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:And we're going to spend four days in
Prague, and then we're going to come home.
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:Laura: Mm.
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:That'll be really cool.
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:Xhafer: I am so excited.
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:Laura: Yeah.
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:Xhafer: there.
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:Laura: In Prague or just all both
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:places in general.
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:Xhafer: Albania.
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:is so cheap.
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:Like,
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:Laura: I bet
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:Xhafer: like five star hotels
are like 40 bucks a night.
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:Like, it is so cheap there.
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:The dollar is so strong.
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:Laura: BRB planning my next trip going
to Albania so they're not on the Euro.
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:Xhafer: They are on the Euro.
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:Laura: Oh, okay.
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:Xhafer: it's just the uh, The local level
of inflation and cost and everything
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:is like, oh, you have currency?
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:Laura: Yeah.
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:Yeah, I get it.
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:Okay, man.
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:Xhafer: I think they actually, I know
that they're EU, but I don't think
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:they really use the Euro that much.
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:I think they stick to, at the very least
it's preferred to use LEC, I think.
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:Laura: Oh, okay.
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:Xhafer: It's the local.
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:I was told that I didn't need to worry
about it and that I would just show
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:up and buy a bunch when I got there,
and that that was the way to do it.
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:Laura: And that's fine.
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:Yeah.
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:Xhafer: Yeah.
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:Laura: All right.
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:Xhafer: Yeah.
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:English, not gonna be
super prevalent everywhere.
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:Laura: That was my next question.
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:Yeah.
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:Xhafer: So there is a, at this
point he is a friend of the family,
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:because he is the guide for all
of my family when they go over.
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:And to my knowledge, this is all he does.
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:Laura: Just like translate
for people, take them
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:Xhafer: No, no, no, just my family.
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:Laura: Oh, just your family.
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:Xhafer: Just when someone
from my family goes over,
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:you go see Ali.
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:He takes care of you while you're there.
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:Laura: Uh Huh.
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:Neat.
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:Xhafer: Um, and it's funny because
he actually has a sister who
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:lives about 15 miles away from me.
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:Laura: Wow.
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:Xhafer: Right?
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:The world is so weird.
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:Laura: It is.
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:That's the truth.
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:Xhafer: What are the
fucking chances of that?
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:Yeah, so, I'm looking forward to it.
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:It's going to be a really fun trip.
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:And uh, see, it will be the farthest
away in miles I've ever been from home.
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:Probably.
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:Laura: Jaffer, that sounds like.
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:A long road.
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:ha ha.
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:Xhafer: Episode 2, the
long road in front of us.
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:Laura: Mm hmm.
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:Xhafer: we open on some
random humans doing stuff.
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:And we see this giant CGI
eyeball in their window.
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:Yeah.
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:Laura: we have this crew, they're
doing something somewhere and then
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:things get really shaky and the,
the dude is screaming about, it's
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:back, call for help then opens the
curtain to this giant, not great CGI.
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:Eyeball.
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:That part can't be stressed enough.
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:Xhafer: Yeah.
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:We cut over to the Excalibur.
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:Where Gideon is on what is
simultaneously the smallest and
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:largest basketball court ever made.
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:Laura: My god, Ja'far.
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:This, Aaron paused this because I
was desperately trying to catch up
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:my notes from the previous scene
for a moment and he was like, no,
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:no, no, you've got to see this.
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:And It's very much that, like, the,
the, the people, the humans are
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:clustered in one side of the screen.
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:And then we CGI'd the rest of this to
look like there's a gym behind them.
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:Xhafer: but it's like the perspective
is all wrong like This gym must be the
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:size of like several football fields.
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:The way that it's set up, like it just
looked insanely massive to me for a
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:basketball court, but we also only ever
see anyone on about five feet of it.
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:Laura: Yeah, yeah, there's like one shot
where we're like above Gideon on the
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:basketball court and you can see people
on like exercise machines off behind him
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:and then the rest is just CGI background.
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:And then, yeah, and
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:then we
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:get,
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:Xhafer: workout equipment.
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:Mm
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:Laura: to Gideon, so we get another
shot from, like, their height.
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:And behind Gideon is just blank
space of, like, this awful tile
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:pattern that goes on into eternity.
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:Like,
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:Xhafer: Ad infinitum.
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:It is just insane how big this gym is!
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:I, I literally just was paused
here and I'm just all like,
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:I, how does this happen?
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:Laura: Right, like, how did
this pass quality control?
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:Xhafer: Mm hmm.
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:Yeah, but uh, they're gonna
move the plot forward some more
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:here and go help these miners.
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:As we cut over to the mobile infantry,
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:Laura: yes, Aaron, Aaron paused here
as well and said, Tell me those aren't
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:the helmets from Starship Troopers.
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:Xhafer: They are exactly the
helmets from Starship Troopers.
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:Actually, so, fun little fact.
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:Starship Troopers was one of the last
big sci fi, big budget sci fi films to do
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:full, like, non CGI outfits for people.
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:And so, they made thousands of
these fucking helmets for extras.
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:Because if you
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:think about it, None of the humans
in that movie, I believe, are CGI.
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:And think of, like, the waves
of people that you see at
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:certain points of that movie.
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:Laura: Yeah.
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:Yeah.
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:Xhafer: visible.
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:So, around Hollywood, for at least
a decade after that film was made,
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:This stuff was just floating around
and super easy to get your hands on.
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:Laura: There's like a warehouse
just full of old Starship Trooper
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:Xhafer: Yeah.
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:Laura: Like, oh, you're doing sci fi?
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:Here, come get some stuff.
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:Xhafer: Right?
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:Like, yeah, it's like you know when
you got a big circle of friends
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:and everyone's, like, having kids?
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:It's all like, oh, it's your turn.
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:Here's all the baby clothes that
all of your friend's kids had.
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:It's that.
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:But for sci fi helmets,
you can google this.
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:Like, you can google, like, Starship
Troopers, fi Extended Universe, or like,
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:proper usage and stuff, and just see all
of the crazy places this shit turned up.
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:Because it's much more than you expect.
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:Laura: Yeah, yeah, that's fun.
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:I really like that.
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:Reduce, reuse, recycle, people,
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:yeah.
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:Xhafer: sure.
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:They're perfectly good sci fi helmets.
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:There's no reason to not reuse them.
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:Laura: yeah.
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:Xhafer: And and it's
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:podcasting gold for us.
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:So
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:Laura: And here they're going to face
off against our CGI dragon to theme.
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:Xhafer: this looks like it's
straight out of reboot to me.
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:That's how bad the CGI is.
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:Laura: Yeah, it's not good.
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:It could be a lot better.
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:Xhafer: I think PlayStation
one had better graphics.
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:Laura: Yeah,
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:Xhafer: this is, this is if Lara Croft
Tomb Raider had to fight a dragon.
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:And they forgot to render
the dragon for Tomb Raider 1.
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:Laura: yeah, yeah, like, I mean,
maybe I'm having a little bit of
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:bias Baldur's Gate right now and
that's some fantastic graphics.
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:Uh,
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:Xhafer: is so good.
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:Laura: Have we had any
dragons yet in Baldur's Gate?
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:We have not.
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:I don't know if dragons
show up in Baldur's Gate.
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:Then,
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:heh.
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:They've sure been mentioned alot
because Tiamat and whatever, but, yeah.
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:I feel like that, having that perspective
of like playing this game at the same
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:time you're looking at the CGI dragon.
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:Mmmmmm.
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:Xhafer: Like, I've been playing Dwarf
Fortress lately, which is notoriously
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:low res, like, old school graphics.
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:Laura: Aha.
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:Yeah.
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:Xhafer: Still feels better than this.
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:Laura: Yeah.
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:It's a golden dragon, which
is important to a plot point.
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:Xhafer: Yes.
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:Not just because uh,
Galen's a total D& D nerd.
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:And, and knows that golden
dragons are good dragons.
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:Metallic dragons are good guys.
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:So.
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:We're
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:fine.
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:Mhmmm.
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:Laura: Victor from last time on
would be pretty pissed because
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:Gideon is reading a paper report
on the dragon attack, uh, to Galen.
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:Xhafer: Yeah.
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:Laura: Where do we get paper in space?
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:One of the great mysteries.
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:Xhafer: so Galen and Gideon
go over to the Medusa.
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:Laura: Oh, I didn't catch the ship's name.
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:Everything was going a little fast
for me, making notes, you know?
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:Xhafer: Yeah, I didn't get the ship's
name until later in the episode.
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:I left it blank.
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:Uh, I do that a lot in my notes.
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:I'll be like, oh, missed it.
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:Just blank.
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:They'll tell us later or it won't be
important and I won't say anything.
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:Laura: Yeah.
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:So that's smart.
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:That's smart.
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:Xhafer: But yeah, it's
an earth force destroyer.
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:And they catch them up on their
strip mining of the planet for
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:its antiviral mineral that also
extends everyone's lifespan.
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:How they figured out that there was
something to even look for here is the
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:average lifespan on this planet is 15
years longer than anywhere else in Earth's
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:space, despite them having no technology.
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:Laura: Yeah, we've already established
that like Earth lifespans are
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:already longer because Bester's
like, like a hundred years
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:old or something in our book.
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:Xhafer: Hundred years old
and getting down in Paris.
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:Laura: Yeah.
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:Ooooo.
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:Ooooo.
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:Yeah, this society is a real,
like, up the long ladder situation.
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:Uh, If you remember that episode
of The Next Generation, it's that,
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:that's the Space Irish episode.
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:So, they're not, like, racist
caricatures of anything, but they
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:are, like, a medieval society that has
shunned all technology, and they're
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:doing the whole agrarian thing.
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:but they're, they're, like a human
colony that decided like, we're going to
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:get rid of everything that got us here
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:and just hang out and farm stuff.
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:Xhafer: Not spoil this fucking planet.
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:Laura: Uh, Yeah, yeah,
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:Xhafer: we lived in Babylon 5 Universe,
my option one for me is Technomage,
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:if Technomage isn't available.
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:this.
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:be an agrarian colonist
somewhere and just live.
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:Laura: there's just like
no, nothing in between.
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:Either I am the, the most
technological or I am the least.
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:Xhafer: I'm not interested
in any of the middle ground.
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:I've done enough fucking
updates of Windows to not be
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:interested in that lifestyle.
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:Laura: I mean the Babylon 5 future,
um, like a Star Trek future, I
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:don't know why you would choose
the agrarian stuff, but a Babylon 5
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:future, I can kind of get that, yeah.
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:Xhafer: Yeah, that's fair.
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:Yeah, Star Trek, I'm doing
something different with my time for
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:Laura: Yeah, there's, there's more,
more things, more fun to be had.
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:Xhafer: got a lot more options.
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:Laura: Yeah, yeah,
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:Xhafer: Like fucking in the holodeck
man, so I've been rewatching Voyager
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:and I forgot how horny they get
about holodeck fucking in that show
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:Laura: I had forgotten too, because
I watched it when I was quite young.
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:Xhafer: Yeah, I'm in season six
and they've got the the Irish
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:town I Just watched yeah, I just
watched a couple of those episodes.
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:It's just like man Even
Shikote's all like, Well, yeah,
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:but you fuck holograms, right?
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:Because it's totally
normal to fuck a hologram.
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:I'm just like, oh shit.
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:Okay.
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:Laura: I have always told people that
my favorite Star Trek was Deep Space
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:Nine, but then when I was re watching
Voyager, I was like, oh, could I be wrong?
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:Was it maybe actually Voyager all along?
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:I don't know.
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:No, I still love Deep Space Nine.
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:I won't give that up.
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:Xhafer: I mean, I'm always
just going to be a TNG fanboy.
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:But that has a lot more to do with, like,
that show's place in my personal history
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:Laura: Sure.
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:I think that that is true
for everybody, actually.
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:And whether or not you recognize
it, yeah, that's okay, but
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:Xhafer: Yeah the same thing happens
with uh, Final Fantasy games.
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:Everyone's favorite Final Fantasy game is
the first one that they really got into.
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:Regardless of when that was
or how much they played it.
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:Laura: hmm.
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:Sure.
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:Xhafer: Anyways so they go down after uh,
Galen gets Gideon some normie clothes.
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:Laura: Yeah, Galen kind of
takes this whole thing over.
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:He's like, Oh, well, um, So, us
two are just going to go down,
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:no guards, no military stuff.
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:We're going to do it in plainclothes,
like, let us try to handle this first.
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:And the EA captain is not,
like, super into that.
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:Xhafer: Yeah, but fuck him.
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:Laura: Yeah.
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:Xhafer: piece of shit.
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:Laura: Yeah,
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:Xhafer: Galen kind of hints that
he might know what's going on here.
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:Laura: Mm hmm.
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:Yeah.
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:Xhafer: He's like, I got an inkling.
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:And he's like, so you
gonna tell me if I'm right?
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:And what if you're wrong?
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:Well that's not gonna happen.
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:It's all like, okay dude.
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:Laura: I like Kaelin
though, I, I really do.
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:Xhafer: Tunas?
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:Is that the name of this drink that he
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:Laura: Oh, so we watch it with, um, with
the subtitles on, cause I need that.
380
:And I think they're just called
like Toonies or something.
381
:it's not Tuna, I think it's Toonie.
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:Xhafer: Toonies.
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:Laura: Yeah.
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:It was definitely
385
:spelled with
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:like, Uh, that's,
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:Xhafer: Yeah,
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:Laura: Uh,
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:Xhafer: And toonies.
390
:Yeah.
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:Laura: yeah, yeah, that's good.
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:That's real good.
393
:they've like stumbled into the
Firefly set or costumes or something.
394
:Like, it's not totally medieval,
but it's definitely like leaning
395
:medieval Western, like on this planet.
396
:Xhafer: For sure.
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:Laura: Yeah.
398
:Gideon makes the classic
mistake of overpaying for
399
:his beers in a foreign place.
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:Xhafer: Oh, man.
401
:What a Rube, right?
402
:Laura: indeed.
403
:Xhafer: What's that even mean?
404
:I need to look up the etymology
of that word before I say it.
405
:Laura: Rube?
406
:Xhafer: Rube.
407
:I don't know what that means.
408
:I don't know what that
actually comes from.
409
:Laura: Oh, yeah.
410
:Sometimes I've stumbled
into that, for sure.
411
:But it's one of those things like the word
gets so far from the original meaning that
412
:it's almost divorced of it and you're,
you don't have any context anymore.
413
:Xhafer: It's an abbreviation
of the name Ruben.
414
:racist against
415
:Laura: racist against Rubens.
416
:Ruben is a good sandwich.
417
:I really like a Ruben sometimes.
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:Xhafer: Yeah.
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:Yeah, I'd get down on a Reuben.
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:I like Thousand Island.
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:Laura: Yeah, me too.
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:On a sandwich.
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:Xhafer: yeah, on a burger, I will, I
literally don't get anything besides
424
:Thousand Island on a burger these days.
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:Why would I bother with anything else?
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:It's not going to be as good.
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:Ketchup and mustard.
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:Get out of here.
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:Mayo, please.
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:Laura: have you ever done
your Ruben with turkey?
431
:Like if you're trying
to watch your Kcals or
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:Xhafer: I've,
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:Laura: Love a
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:Xhafer: turkey
435
:Reubens.
436
:Mm hmm.
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:Laura: So good.
438
:Xhafer: Look, there's not a whole lot
of show for us to talk about here.
439
:You want an hour long episode, this is
the content you can expect from Crusade.
440
:Laura: For
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:Xhafer: Lord knows the show
isn't doing us any favors here
442
:by making us talk about it.
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:Laura: Yeah.
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:So, because Gideon overpaid for
his beers, he really overplayed
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:his hand and the townspeople
know that they are not one of us.
446
:But in addition to being like
out of towners, they're also
447
:like probably out of planeters.
448
:Xhafer: Yeah.
449
:Laura: And they try to intimidate
Gideon and Galen here in this
450
:inn, but they're interrupted by
lightning and thunder and wind.
451
:Obviously another
technomage at this point.
452
:Xhafer: Yeah, yeah, Alwyn shows
up through the fog machines.
453
:I like to think that, like,
they talk about, like, their
454
:advanced technology and stuff.
455
:It is just fog machines and,
like, light shows, right?
456
:They're just, like, effectively,
like, middle school dance DJs.
457
:Laura: Yeah, we've seen, what, one
Technomage before in Babylon 5?
458
:Or do we actually have two Technomages?
459
:I forget.
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:But,
461
:Xhafer: Alrick.
462
:And he's important for later.
463
:Laura: Yeah!
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:Xhafer: He comes back in this episode.
465
:Laura: we had
466
:him.
467
:and now we have Galen, and we have Alwin.
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:And, all Technomages do, as far as
I can tell so far, is hollow demons.
469
:Xhafer: They fuckin love their Hollow
Demons, which comes up in a scene later in
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:this episode that I actually really liked.
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:Laura: Yeah, yeah.
472
:So he's, he's doing the, the like bluff.
473
:He's passed his bluff check
to make a D& D reference.
474
:And he says, well, these guys are mine.
475
:That coin that was, gave them
away, that was supposed to be
476
:the signal to give them to me.
477
:Like, get out of my way.
478
:I'm going to, I'll take
care of this, you know?
479
:Xhafer: Mm hmm.
480
:So, they all leave.
481
:They catch up a little.
482
:Galen calls Alwyn out on the Gold
Dragon being, like, his calling card.
483
:Laura: Yeah.
484
:That made sense, though.
485
:I was like, at least they, there was
a reason that Galen, like, hopped
486
:to it to get involved in this.
487
:Xhafer: Yeah.
488
:And uh, Owen has them over for dinner.
489
:Uh, We learn that he
is a former Technomage.
490
:He has been removed from the Order.
491
:He stayed in the galaxy as a protest
when the others decided to leave instead
492
:of participate in the Shadow War.
493
:Laura: Yeah.
494
:This was interesting, and I really wanted
them to, like, connect the dots between
495
:him getting kicked out for staying here
during the Shadow War and, like, the
496
:responsibility he feels to these people.
497
:Like, he's got some, like,
survivor's guilt about not Having
498
:been able to do more in the
Shadow War, not explored at all.
499
:Xhafer: Yet.
500
:Just, just hold on.
501
:Laura: Okay.
502
:Xhafer: There, there's more about
the Technomages and the leaving
503
:for the Shadow War to come.
504
:Laura: Okay.
505
:Alright.
506
:Xhafer: We get some, there's
very specific reasoning for why.
507
:Anyways yeah.
508
:So Alwin makes clear that from
his perspective, he's tried
509
:everything to end this peacefully.
510
:And it's like, look, when they show up
with guns, they're leaving in boxes.
511
:And then, you know, as he says this,
IceCube's natural born killas just
512
:starts playing in the background.
513
:Everyone puts on sunglasses.
514
:Gets a lean on.
515
:Yeah.
516
:It's good stuff.
517
:I really like that scene.
518
:With the IceCube.
519
:The uh, locals, um, move in the
night to halt the mining operation.
520
:Shortly thereafter here
they kidnap a ton of people.
521
:Laura: Yeah.
522
:Hostages.
523
:Let's talk fonts.
524
:Let's fontcast this
525
:Xhafer: Let's fontcast.
526
:This is the exact moment I knew you
were going to want to talk about.
527
:I knew immediately.
528
:Because the villagers, like, stab a
note through the wall with a knife.
529
:Which, have you ever done that before?
530
:Laura: but it seems probably like one
of those things that's not as easy
531
:as it always looks in the movies.
532
:Xhafer: Oh, it's totally
as easy as it always looks.
533
:It's super easy.
534
:As long as you've got a decent knife, it's
535
:Laura: Okay.
536
:Sure.
537
:I've probably never had
538
:a,
539
:decent knife.
540
:Xhafer: I have done this.
541
:I have also had a friend do this at an
apartment drunk off their ass in college.
542
:And it's especially noteworthy because
he decided to do it by the front door,
543
:and he did it right above the power box.
544
:Laura: Oh,
545
:Xhafer: like the, we were all just
like, Like, everything was fine.
546
:Uh, He missed all the wires,
but he just threw a knife
547
:through it right there to put a
548
:Laura: Yeah.
549
:Yeah.
550
:Xhafer: terrifying in retrospect.
551
:Laura: I want to know a
couple of things about this.
552
:Xhafer: Yeah, let's talk.
553
:Laura: Where did this agrarian
society get a printer?
554
:Because this is clearly a font.
555
:Xhafer: That is the exact thing I
have written in my notes, Laura.
556
:Ha
557
:Laura: The other thing is, where did
they get access to the Harry Potter font?
558
:Because
559
:Xhafer: movies
560
:Laura: this is.
561
:Xhafer: out yet!
562
:Laura: Yeah, that's what this is.
563
:This is, oh, maybe this is like an
early, you know, we're, we're testing
564
:fonts for the next big magic book.
565
:I don't know.
566
:Xhafer: Hey Turner was part of Time
Warner, Warner Brothers made Harry Potter.
567
:Laura: Oh,
568
:Xhafer: that font's proprietary,
it might actually just been like
569
:lurking in a database for them to use.
570
:Laura: Crusade is now
canonical Harry Potter.
571
:Xhafer: How you gonna
fuck this one up, Joanne?
572
:Fuck you.
573
:Anyways,
574
:Laura: This, this note made me laugh.
575
:There's just a lot of reasons.
576
:Like, why didn't you have somebody
handwrite this, like, in a big marker?
577
:Like, come on.
578
:Xhafer: The only way this would have
been better, in my opinion, is if it
579
:was the like, super stereotypical,
like, cut together newspaper magazine
580
:stuff.
581
:Because you know that society
doesn't have those things.
582
:Laura: Mhmm.
583
:Well, maybe they have a
subscription to Vogue.
584
:Like, you don't know.
585
:Xhafer: Space Vogue.
586
:Laura: Cosmo.
587
:Xhafer: They don't even
have to change their name!
588
:Laura: I hope Cosmo makes
it into:
589
:I don't know.
590
:Just just for funds.
591
:Xhafer: I really want Cosmo to
turn into a spacefaring magazine.
592
:Laura: Me too.
593
:Xhafer: It's so good.
594
:Anyways we learned that
Galen was Alric's apprentice.
595
:Laura: Yeah,
596
:we remember him.
597
:Xhafer: Yep, he's the one who
fucked with Veer back on B5.
598
:We learned that Galen's parents
were both Technomages as well.
599
:Another fucking Nepo, baby.
600
:Laura: Oh yeah.
601
:Xhafer: You just get
602
:inducted in the order when your
parents are fucking techno maids.
603
:You just get born into your
billion dollar lifestyle, Galen.
604
:Instead of having to fuckin
earn it like the rest of us.
605
:Laura: Well, so far all we've seen of
techno mages is like, middle aged to old
606
:bald men and it is kind of nice White too.
607
:Yeah.
608
:It is kind of nice to know that
theoretically, well, we don't
609
:know that Galen's parents were
mom and dad, but maybe women are
610
:allowed to be techno mages too?
611
:Xhafer: Yeah.
612
:right now is this is just
what happens to Bezos.
613
:Like, everyone who's super rich in
the future by the time you get to
614
:Babylon 5, like, instead of inheriting
wealth, you just become a technomage
615
:and that's just, that's just how
you flaunt your wealth around.
616
:Laura: Yeah, yeah.
617
:That's, that's what Elon and,
Bezos are all gunnin for it, right?
618
:They want to
619
:Xhafer: Yeah.
620
:For sure.
621
:For sure.
622
:I mean, Bezos already's got the haircut.
623
:Laura: Mm hmm.
624
:Yeah.
625
:The haircut is most of it, right?
626
:Xhafer: For sure, it's haircuts and robes.
627
:Word makes it to Gideon about the
miners being held by the locals.
628
:And we see the asshole captain
send down his lieutenant and some
629
:mobile infantry to handle it.
630
:Laura: Yeah.
631
:He's gung ho.
632
:He's like, this is how you
earn your stripes, bro.
633
:Like, get down there and bust some heads.
634
:Combat.
635
:Xhafer: You need some combat experience
if you ever gonna be promoted, son!
636
:Laura: Yeah.
637
:Bleh.
638
:Xhafer: They fly through the
dragon on their way down.
639
:And we've got, I'll just call him,
I didn't write down his actual name.
640
:I'm calling him Lieutenant JGDB.
641
:Cause he's junior grade douchebag.
642
:Laura: Yeah, I like that.
643
:Okay.
644
:Xhafer: He pushes all the
locals at the inn down.
645
:And starts making demands as Olwen
and Galen uh, show up in the inn.
646
:No quicker, does he say, not to worry,
they're all holograms, than does
647
:he get socked in the face by one?
648
:Laura: Yeah.
649
:Xhafer: Perfection.
650
:Laura: I do like that.
651
:That's, that's got like overtones
of Londo and the Hollow Demons.
652
:Xhafer: Mm hmm.
653
:Laura: Yeah.
654
:Xhafer: I was here for it.
655
:Laura: Pretty good.
656
:Pretty good.
657
:Xhafer: and Galen are just watching
this demon program destroy everything.
658
:And they're just like talking
shop during this whole thing.
659
:Like they're just completely
ignoring what it's actually doing.
660
:It's under control, whatever.
661
:Right.
662
:And they're just like talking about
like the actual design and writing
663
:of the program and code and stuff
in a very nonchalant manner while it
664
:is running roughshod over everyone.
665
:I have had this conversation.
666
:I have been in a, like, Security session.
667
:So in managed service provider world,
one thing that we off service that we
668
:offer for our clients that they usually
take us up on is security testing.
669
:So we'll do something called a pen
test and that could be a phishing
670
:attempt or whatever, right?
671
:Like we fake a phishing
email and send it to you.
672
:So then, and we know who clicks
it so that we can, we can
673
:yell at those people, right?
674
:That kind of stuff.
675
:And so I have been in a like war room at
the start of like an aggressive pen test.
676
:That we are conducting
on one of our clients.
677
:And we're just like watching it
run across their network as we're
678
:just sitting here talking about
what it's doing very nonchalantly.
679
:And I was just transported back
to that moment of my life while
680
:watching this conversation take place.
681
:Laura: is a very Babylon 5 conversation.
682
:Like you could see Zack and Garibaldi
sitting there having a conversation
683
:during something crazy happening
or Lockley and Sheridan having this
684
:conversation.
685
:Like this is that kind of
dialogue that I missed and we're
686
:not getting nearly enough of.
687
:Haha.
688
:Haha.
689
:Xhafer: greed.
690
:Over on the Medusa, Lieutenant JGDB
reports that the mission failed and
691
:that they are now all also hostages.
692
:Laura: Oops.
693
:I want more of Lt.
694
:J.
695
:G.
696
:D.
697
:D.
698
:B.
699
:Damn, I can't do it.
700
:It's all yours.
701
:Xhafer: it is six letters in my
notes too because I abbreviate
702
:the lieutenant so it's LTJGDB.
703
:Laura: Lower Decks journey now.
704
:Like, things aren't going well for
you after you get taken hostage on the
705
:mission to take back the hostages, right?
706
:You're gonna be scrubbing
some decks, is all I'm saying.
707
:Xhafer: over at all wins the bar.
708
:Heep also, resistance leader wants to
press their advantage as all wind says.
709
:They must let the hostages go.
710
:And this is when his daughter collapses?
711
:Laura: Hmm, yeah, apparently the
antiviral dust Not so good for the lungs.
712
:Xhafer: take her up to the
Excalibur for their Med Bay.
713
:Where our doctor, who I'm sure is an
interesting character, will handle
714
:things, but we don't get to find
out anything more about that person.
715
:Owen lectures the colonists
with some indignation here.
716
:He's gonna settle this his way.
717
:The Excalibur and the Medusa
talk as uh, Galen radios in.
718
:He's To describe Alwyn's plan here, he
has set himself up in the mine, and he's
719
:going to use the circular nature of the
mine as a reflection chamber to make a
720
:beam that is going to destroy the Medusa.
721
:Laura: Yeah, Gideon in between,
like, we're glossing over,
722
:Gideon is really trying.
723
:Like, he's saying like, you've gotta
stop mining this stuff right now,
724
:it's killing their kids, like Uh,
there needs to be a different solution
725
:and the Earth Force captain is just
like, no, I'm not going to do that.
726
:Earth needs this stuff more than these
people's lives are worth, basically.
727
:Xhafer: Mm hmm.
728
:Laura: I mean, we don't even know
that this is going to be that
729
:helpful against the Drak Plague.
730
:I'm like, that's such a weak argument,
731
:Xhafer: Agreed.
732
:I mean, they do say that the mineral has
been showing promise in trials back home.
733
:That's all we hear of it, though.
734
:Laura: Yeah, it's so vague.
735
:Also what's happening to the girl is
very vague, like they're just like,
736
:oh, you know, you have to adjust
to small quantities of the mineral
737
:over your whole life and she's been
exposed to too much through the dust
738
:in the air and now she's dying and
it's like, well, what's happening?
739
:Are her lungs failing?
740
:Is it building up in her blood?
741
:Can we get some more, like, details?
742
:Otherwise, I just feel like
we're just kind of glossing
743
:over it and it's not important.
744
:Xhafer: How does this stuff work?
745
:Is it replacing her white blood cells?
746
:Like, is her body, is it
attacking her whole body now?
747
:Like, just A line.
748
:A line.
749
:It's not hard.
750
:And one of my classic metrics
of how good an episode is.
751
:So,
752
:Laura: Yeah.
753
:Good point.
754
:Continue.
755
:Xhafer: So the Excalibur and the Medusa
are talking, the captain in the Medusa
756
:here begs Gideon to just fucking fire the
lasers down on the surface to kill all
757
:wind before he can blow up their ship.
758
:Like you would let
these men and women die.
759
:And he, at this point, he just seems to
be all like, well, you could just say
760
:you're gonna move the mine and he'll stop
761
:Laura: Yeah.
762
:Sounds like you're going to
let these men and women die.
763
:Xhafer: Right?
764
:But, but this is the plan though.
765
:Obviously, this is the plan.
766
:Laura: Yeah.
767
:I have a question.
768
:Is this the gun that's firing the, like,
gun where we can't move afterwards?
769
:Or is this just, like, regular guns?
770
:Xhafer: This is the gun that
you can't move afterwards
771
:because it comes from the arms.
772
:When it's the death star and
it's the lasers that become
773
:the big laser, that's the gun.
774
:You can't fire afterwards when
it's just the normal guns.
775
:It's only at the front of the ship.
776
:Laura: Okay.
777
:I feel like that should be clearer, like,
778
:Xhafer: They showed us
that in call the arms when
779
:Laura: yeah.
780
:I don't know that it was super
maybe I wasn't watching close enough
781
:because, you know, we're trying
to take notes at the same time.
782
:Xhafer: I'm also making excuses
for a terrible TV show, so fuck me.
783
:Like,
784
:Laura: no, no, I
785
:Xhafer: they could also explain it.
786
:Laura: yeah, I feel like if it
was just one scene versus another
787
:scene, I easily missed it because
I was making notes, like, if we saw
788
:the guns fire and they were just
straightforward and then he's like,
789
:no, more power and now it's Death Star.
790
:Yeah, I, I totally missed that.
791
:So I was like, okay, what, happening?
792
:Like, is this the
793
:Xhafer: would argue that
you've missed nothing.
794
:Laura: Indeed.
795
:Indeed.
796
:Okay.
797
:So we've destroyed the mine
at the same time as we've
798
:Xhafer: Glassed that shit.
799
:Yeah.
800
:Laura: Yep.
801
:So we've got to move the mine now.
802
:So guess what, dude?
803
:Like, if you just agreed to
move the mine, same effect here.
804
:Xhafer: Right?
805
:Gideon and the barkeep discuss the
colonists are going to help the miners
806
:find a new location that is safe,
807
:Laura: Yeah.
808
:They feel a little guilty.
809
:Xhafer: as well.
810
:Laura: Mm hmm.
811
:Xhafer: And we learn Alwyn
wasn't dead, because of course.
812
:He waxes philosophical about uh,
kind of like the point of living,
813
:like entering living memory becoming
legend, living on past your death.
814
:know,
815
:Laura: Yeah, and it was like time
to leave these people because they
816
:specifically said in one of their heated
moments, like, we don't need reason.
817
:We have this guy, and he's
like, no, they're abandoning
818
:reason because of my power.
819
:So it's time for me to go.
820
:Xhafer: Yep.
821
:Laura: that was a really powerful
message, actually, within this.
822
:episode.
823
:Xhafer: I would
824
:Laura: Uh, because I definitely feel
like people around me have abandoned
825
:reason because of the power they
think they have from their religion
826
:and then the power that they have
actually from the systems around them.
827
:And it's like, I would like
a little more reason, please.
828
:Somebody, anybody.
829
:Xhafer: Please.
830
:Please.
831
:Fuck.
832
:We just had to watch those
two old fucks debate.
833
:Laura: I didn't watch it.
834
:I couldn't do it, man.
835
:Xhafer: Oh, it's so bad.
836
:Laura: yeah,
837
:yeah,
838
:What are we doing, guys?
839
:What are we doing?
840
:Xhafer: I saw a TikTok the other
day that has made me laugh more than
841
:anything else in the last several weeks.
842
:Laura: Uh Huh.
843
:Xhafer: And it was a guy in the mirror,
and he's just fucking tired, right?
844
:He's just so exhausted.
845
:He's all like, It's happening again.
846
:Somehow, we have to choose
between these two fucks.
847
:Again.
848
:It's like we're cursed.
849
:It's like we built this country on
an ancient Indian burial ground.
850
:Laura: Oh.
851
:Hmm.
852
:Hmm.
853
:Xhafer: Oh fuck!
854
:Anyways, the show.
855
:I hope you're here for
anything but Crusade Pod.
856
:Yeah,
857
:Laura: in the forest.
858
:We've gotta leave.
859
:Uh, Alwyn's gonna get
back on the long road.
860
:Xhafer: I am kind of sick.
861
:So, originally, listener Ben was
going to join us for this episode.
862
:And when Well, that's the only
reason he wanted this episode.
863
:He has never seen Crusade.
864
:And so he's all like, oh,
what are the episode titles?
865
:Oh, that one, I can make a
Star Trek Enterprise joke.
866
:Give me that one.
867
:Literally what he said to me.
868
:And I think he actually would
have really enjoyed talking
869
:shit about this episode with us.
870
:Laura: Oh, yeah.
871
:Xhafer: This
872
:has been a bit of a very coded episode.
873
:Laura: yeah, it leans hard into that,
like, medieval fantasy stuff, which
874
:I, I love the, the fantasy part of Babylon
5, like, you know, a lot of sci fi is
875
:just grounded in hard science, right?
876
:But in Babylon 5, there's some
fantastical, some mysterious, unexplained,
877
:you know, science indistinguishable from
magic, like the technomages and then the
878
:first ones and whatever.
879
:And I like that.
880
:I think the show is trying to lean
into it and it's not doing it.
881
:Xhafer: Yeah.
882
:It's trying.
883
:It's trying real hard.
884
:It's trying so hard that it's time
to rate this episode on a scale
885
:of one to four main guns fired.
886
:Laura: Okay.
887
:Well.
888
:You've already alluded to your scale about
dialogue, so let's go ahead and get your
889
:Xhafer: Yeah, fair enough.
890
:Um, as I have stated countless times
over the course of this podcast, if
891
:I feel like I could make the episode
better with one line of dialogue,
892
:To fix a thing with the plot.
893
:To just explain just a little
bit more than was explained.
894
:That drops it a whole rating for me.
895
:Laura: Yeah.
896
:Xhafer: That said, This
episode was stupid fun.
897
:I really, I really actually genuinely
enjoyed this episode of Crusade.
898
:Laura: Okay.
899
:Xhafer: not good.
900
:Laura: Uh Huh.
901
:Xhafer: But it was fun.
902
:It's fun in the way that
you watch a B movie.
903
:and of everything we've seen between the
other episode and Call to Arms so far,
904
:that moment with Galen and Alwyn talking
about stuff calmly while shit was going
905
:everywhere felt very trademark B5 to
906
:me.
907
:Laura: Yeah.
908
:That was a good moment.
909
:Xhafer: And so I would probably start
this episode at a three out of four guns.
910
:Laura: Mm hmm.
911
:Xhafer: And after my
point reduction penalty.
912
:I'm gonna say it's two
out of four main guns.
913
:Laura: Okay, okay, I like that because
we're a little bit flip flopped on this
914
:one and I'm not sure how it happened but
915
:Xhafer: you hate this?
916
:Laura: I didn't hate it.
917
:That's too strong.
918
:This one I felt much more, I felt very
indifferent to it, um, We were having
919
:trouble staying awake during this one, and
immediately afterwards, I needed a nap.
920
:Like, we finished this episode,
and then I took an hour nap.
921
:Uh, So, I think I'm gonna give this
one main guns for one hour nap.
922
:Oh,
923
:Xhafer: week, we're skipping
ahead to episode eight
924
:appearances and other deceits.
925
:What a JMS fucking episode title.
926
:Laura: yeah.
927
:That's true.
928
:That's classic, too.
929
:Oh,
930
:Xhafer: consciousness that
takes over the Excalibur's crew.
931
:This also, from that description,
sounds like a good episode.
932
:How will Crusade disappoint me this time?
933
:Laura: It sounds like a very
TNG episode, doesn't it?
934
:Xhafer: It does.
935
:Laura: I'm sure we've done this
in Star Trek several times.
936
:Xhafer: Yeah, most assuredly.
937
:Laura: Every season.
938
:I can picture this in TNG, Deep
Space Nine, and Voyager, and I'm
939
:sure someone in the Discord can give
me the exact episodes, but yeah.
940
:Yeah.
941
:Xhafer: in that field house for sure.
942
:You know what else is in our field house?
943
:Saying thank you.
944
:Thank you Jeremy Siegel
for our lovely theme music.
945
:You can find more of Jeremy's
work at jeremysiegel42.
946
:bandcamp.
947
:com and on your favorite streaming
services as Nuclear Jaguar.
948
:Laura: Yeah, and thank you
to Angry Duck Time Machine on
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:Instagram for our podcast artwork.
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:Xhafer: Aaron!
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:This is probably actually the
softball we're throwing here.
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:Laura: Yeah, yeah, this
one's a little better.
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:And
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:Xhafer: your contribution.
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:Laura: to you, the listener, for
being here on this crusade with us.
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:Ah, why didn't I say that last time?
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:God damn it.
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:Yeah,
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:Xhafer: Remember it for next up.
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:Laura: If you want to talk about
any thoughts you have on Crusade,
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:you can join us in the Discord or
send those to whoareyoub5 at gmail.
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:com.
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:We would love to hear from you.
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:Xhafer: And we'll see
you next week, internet.
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:Laura: Bye.
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:Xhafer: Bye.