Episode 133

full
Published on:

17th Jul 2024

Crusade 2 - Racist Against Reubens

Join Laura and Xhafer, two internet strangers as they get to know each other while making jokes about one of their favorite TV shows from their childhood, Babylon 5.

Xhafer prepares for a journey to the motherland. Laura questions the show's choice of fonts. Meanwhile, Gideon and Galen go on a D&D adventure in Crusade: Episode 2 - The Long Road.

Transcript
Laura:

and welcome to Who Are You?

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It's the Babylon 5 watch cast by

a couple of former strangers, now

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friends, who are getting to know

each other over one of their favorite

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shows from their childhood, Babylon 5.

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I'm Laura,

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Xhafer: And I'm Ja'far.

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Laura: and Jaffer, today I get

to ask you, where are you going?

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Xhafer: Well, where I'm going

is I'm going to the motherland.

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Laura: Ja'far?

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Xhafer: Well, the source of my

incredibly distinct name is my

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father's family, and they're all

from Albania, which is where I'll be

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going for the first time in October.

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I'm very excited.

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I am a multi generation American North

American through my Albanian family.

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So I'm not particularly,

I, I have relatives there.

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Laura: Uh Huh.

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Xhafer: There, there are

no one I've ever met.

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And I'm going with my sister

her boyfriend, who's also

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one of my college roommates.

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Uh, I'm going, Beth is coming along.

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My uncle is going my mom declined.

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Laura: Okay.

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Xhafer: really her family

or her people anyways.

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Laura: Yeah.

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Xhafer: And then I might

have a couple of cousins.

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We had at one point about 75 people

invited to this trip to Europe.

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Laura: Wow.

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Xhafer: not many were able to

accept for a number of reasons.

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Laura: Sure.

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Yeah.

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Xhafer: But I'm real excited.

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My sister's been once.

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My uncle's been about 10 times.

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Laura: How does one get to Albania?

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Xhafer: An airplane.

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Laura: Well, like, I mean, is there

just like an Albanian airport?

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What's the major city?

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Like, come on.

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Xhafer: Yeah, no no, I'll be, I'll

be flying in through the capital

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Tirana, which is a moderately, like

Albania is in the European union.

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It is a NATO country.

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Like, no, no, it is not large.

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I will be seeing approximately

half the country on my trip

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Laura: Yeah.

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Xhafer: and that's taking it slow.

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Laura: I've got to do this now

because we just brought up the size.

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I need to know the square miles.

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Xhafer: Oh, it's like Rhode Island sized.

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Laura: Yeah.

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I love these European countries where you

can get from like one side to the other

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side in like, I don't know, an hour.

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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Well, it's mountainous where we'll be.

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Laura: Okay.

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Oh, that'll be pretty.

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That'll be nice.

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Xhafer: a handful of spots picked

out where I'm going to be hiking.

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there's a couple of really scenic places.

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The coast is like slowly becoming

a very famous party place.

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Laura: Ooh.

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Xhafer: in Europe.

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Not quite Ibiza, but it's

working its way there.

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so I'm gonna be having a lot

of fun there on that trip.

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We're doing 12 days in Albania working

our way through the southern region of

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it uh, which is where my family is from.

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My grandfather's family

is from the capital.

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My grandmother's family is from

a village of like 120, which Is

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about how big it is currently.

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I've definitely got

living relatives there.

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Laura: Wow.

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Xhafer: on the old family lot.

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Um, my, my great uncle actually

had a gravestone installed for

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him and his siblings there.

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none of them are buried there.

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They all died in North America.

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Uh, but I'll probably go visit that

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Laura: Yeah.

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That's neat.

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Xhafer: There's apparently, the village

specifically is, like, it has a cafe.

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I will walk in, be choked out

by cigarettes, get a couple

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strange looks, and leave.

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Laura: Yeah.

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Xhafer: Um, and then I will go to the

nearest town where we're hanging out.

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That's, yeah, so there's all that.

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And then at the end of that

12 days, I'm going to Prague.

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And we're going to spend four days in

Prague, and then we're going to come home.

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Laura: Mm.

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That'll be really cool.

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Xhafer: I am so excited.

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Laura: Yeah.

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Xhafer: there.

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Laura: In Prague or just all both

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places in general.

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Xhafer: Albania.

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is so cheap.

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Like,

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Laura: I bet

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Xhafer: like five star hotels

are like 40 bucks a night.

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Like, it is so cheap there.

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The dollar is so strong.

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Laura: BRB planning my next trip going

to Albania so they're not on the Euro.

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Xhafer: They are on the Euro.

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Laura: Oh, okay.

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Xhafer: it's just the uh, The local level

of inflation and cost and everything

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is like, oh, you have currency?

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Laura: Yeah.

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Yeah, I get it.

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Okay, man.

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Xhafer: I think they actually, I know

that they're EU, but I don't think

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they really use the Euro that much.

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I think they stick to, at the very least

it's preferred to use LEC, I think.

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Laura: Oh, okay.

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Xhafer: It's the local.

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I was told that I didn't need to worry

about it and that I would just show

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up and buy a bunch when I got there,

and that that was the way to do it.

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Laura: And that's fine.

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Yeah.

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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Laura: All right.

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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English, not gonna be

super prevalent everywhere.

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Laura: That was my next question.

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Yeah.

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Xhafer: So there is a, at this

point he is a friend of the family,

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because he is the guide for all

of my family when they go over.

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And to my knowledge, this is all he does.

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Laura: Just like translate

for people, take them

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Xhafer: No, no, no, just my family.

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Laura: Oh, just your family.

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Xhafer: Just when someone

from my family goes over,

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you go see Ali.

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He takes care of you while you're there.

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Laura: Uh Huh.

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Neat.

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Xhafer: Um, and it's funny because

he actually has a sister who

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lives about 15 miles away from me.

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Laura: Wow.

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Xhafer: Right?

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The world is so weird.

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Laura: It is.

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That's the truth.

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Xhafer: What are the

fucking chances of that?

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Yeah, so, I'm looking forward to it.

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It's going to be a really fun trip.

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And uh, see, it will be the farthest

away in miles I've ever been from home.

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Probably.

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Laura: Jaffer, that sounds like.

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A long road.

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ha ha.

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Xhafer: Episode 2, the

long road in front of us.

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Laura: Mm hmm.

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Xhafer: we open on some

random humans doing stuff.

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And we see this giant CGI

eyeball in their window.

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Yeah.

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Laura: we have this crew, they're

doing something somewhere and then

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things get really shaky and the,

the dude is screaming about, it's

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back, call for help then opens the

curtain to this giant, not great CGI.

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Eyeball.

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That part can't be stressed enough.

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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We cut over to the Excalibur.

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Where Gideon is on what is

simultaneously the smallest and

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largest basketball court ever made.

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Laura: My god, Ja'far.

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This, Aaron paused this because I

was desperately trying to catch up

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my notes from the previous scene

for a moment and he was like, no,

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no, no, you've got to see this.

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And It's very much that, like, the,

the, the people, the humans are

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clustered in one side of the screen.

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And then we CGI'd the rest of this to

look like there's a gym behind them.

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Xhafer: but it's like the perspective

is all wrong like This gym must be the

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size of like several football fields.

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The way that it's set up, like it just

looked insanely massive to me for a

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basketball court, but we also only ever

see anyone on about five feet of it.

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Laura: Yeah, yeah, there's like one shot

where we're like above Gideon on the

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basketball court and you can see people

on like exercise machines off behind him

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and then the rest is just CGI background.

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And then, yeah, and

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then we

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get,

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Xhafer: workout equipment.

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Mm

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Laura: to Gideon, so we get another

shot from, like, their height.

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And behind Gideon is just blank

space of, like, this awful tile

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pattern that goes on into eternity.

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Like,

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Xhafer: Ad infinitum.

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It is just insane how big this gym is!

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I, I literally just was paused

here and I'm just all like,

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I, how does this happen?

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Laura: Right, like, how did

this pass quality control?

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Xhafer: Mm hmm.

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Yeah, but uh, they're gonna

move the plot forward some more

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here and go help these miners.

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As we cut over to the mobile infantry,

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Laura: yes, Aaron, Aaron paused here

as well and said, Tell me those aren't

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the helmets from Starship Troopers.

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Xhafer: They are exactly the

helmets from Starship Troopers.

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Actually, so, fun little fact.

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Starship Troopers was one of the last

big sci fi, big budget sci fi films to do

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full, like, non CGI outfits for people.

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And so, they made thousands of

these fucking helmets for extras.

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Because if you

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think about it, None of the humans

in that movie, I believe, are CGI.

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And think of, like, the waves

of people that you see at

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certain points of that movie.

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Laura: Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Xhafer: visible.

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So, around Hollywood, for at least

a decade after that film was made,

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This stuff was just floating around

and super easy to get your hands on.

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Laura: There's like a warehouse

just full of old Starship Trooper

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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Laura: Like, oh, you're doing sci fi?

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Here, come get some stuff.

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Xhafer: Right?

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Like, yeah, it's like you know when

you got a big circle of friends

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and everyone's, like, having kids?

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It's all like, oh, it's your turn.

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Here's all the baby clothes that

all of your friend's kids had.

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It's that.

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But for sci fi helmets,

you can google this.

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Like, you can google, like, Starship

Troopers, fi Extended Universe, or like,

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proper usage and stuff, and just see all

of the crazy places this shit turned up.

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Because it's much more than you expect.

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Laura: Yeah, yeah, that's fun.

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I really like that.

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Reduce, reuse, recycle, people,

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yeah.

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Xhafer: sure.

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They're perfectly good sci fi helmets.

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There's no reason to not reuse them.

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Laura: yeah.

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Xhafer: And and it's

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podcasting gold for us.

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So

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Laura: And here they're going to face

off against our CGI dragon to theme.

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Xhafer: this looks like it's

straight out of reboot to me.

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That's how bad the CGI is.

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Laura: Yeah, it's not good.

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It could be a lot better.

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Xhafer: I think PlayStation

one had better graphics.

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Laura: Yeah,

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Xhafer: this is, this is if Lara Croft

Tomb Raider had to fight a dragon.

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And they forgot to render

the dragon for Tomb Raider 1.

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Laura: yeah, yeah, like, I mean,

maybe I'm having a little bit of

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bias Baldur's Gate right now and

that's some fantastic graphics.

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Uh,

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Xhafer: is so good.

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Laura: Have we had any

dragons yet in Baldur's Gate?

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We have not.

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I don't know if dragons

show up in Baldur's Gate.

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Then,

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heh.

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They've sure been mentioned alot

because Tiamat and whatever, but, yeah.

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I feel like that, having that perspective

of like playing this game at the same

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time you're looking at the CGI dragon.

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Mmmmmm.

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Xhafer: Like, I've been playing Dwarf

Fortress lately, which is notoriously

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low res, like, old school graphics.

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Laura: Aha.

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Yeah.

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Xhafer: Still feels better than this.

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Laura: Yeah.

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It's a golden dragon, which

is important to a plot point.

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Xhafer: Yes.

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Not just because uh,

Galen's a total D& D nerd.

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And, and knows that golden

dragons are good dragons.

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Metallic dragons are good guys.

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So.

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We're

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fine.

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Mhmmm.

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Laura: Victor from last time on

would be pretty pissed because

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Gideon is reading a paper report

on the dragon attack, uh, to Galen.

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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Laura: Where do we get paper in space?

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One of the great mysteries.

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Xhafer: so Galen and Gideon

go over to the Medusa.

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Laura: Oh, I didn't catch the ship's name.

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Everything was going a little fast

for me, making notes, you know?

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Xhafer: Yeah, I didn't get the ship's

name until later in the episode.

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I left it blank.

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Uh, I do that a lot in my notes.

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I'll be like, oh, missed it.

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Just blank.

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They'll tell us later or it won't be

important and I won't say anything.

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Laura: Yeah.

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So that's smart.

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That's smart.

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Xhafer: But yeah, it's

an earth force destroyer.

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And they catch them up on their

strip mining of the planet for

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its antiviral mineral that also

extends everyone's lifespan.

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How they figured out that there was

something to even look for here is the

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average lifespan on this planet is 15

years longer than anywhere else in Earth's

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space, despite them having no technology.

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Laura: Yeah, we've already established

that like Earth lifespans are

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already longer because Bester's

like, like a hundred years

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old or something in our book.

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Xhafer: Hundred years old

and getting down in Paris.

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Laura: Yeah.

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Ooooo.

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Ooooo.

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Yeah, this society is a real,

like, up the long ladder situation.

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Uh, If you remember that episode

of The Next Generation, it's that,

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that's the Space Irish episode.

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So, they're not, like, racist

caricatures of anything, but they

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are, like, a medieval society that has

shunned all technology, and they're

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doing the whole agrarian thing.

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but they're, they're, like a human

colony that decided like, we're going to

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get rid of everything that got us here

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and just hang out and farm stuff.

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Xhafer: Not spoil this fucking planet.

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Laura: Uh, Yeah, yeah,

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Xhafer: we lived in Babylon 5 Universe,

my option one for me is Technomage,

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if Technomage isn't available.

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this.

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be an agrarian colonist

somewhere and just live.

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Laura: there's just like

no, nothing in between.

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Either I am the, the most

technological or I am the least.

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Xhafer: I'm not interested

in any of the middle ground.

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I've done enough fucking

updates of Windows to not be

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interested in that lifestyle.

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Laura: I mean the Babylon 5 future,

um, like a Star Trek future, I

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don't know why you would choose

the agrarian stuff, but a Babylon 5

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future, I can kind of get that, yeah.

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Xhafer: Yeah, that's fair.

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Yeah, Star Trek, I'm doing

something different with my time for

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Laura: Yeah, there's, there's more,

more things, more fun to be had.

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Xhafer: got a lot more options.

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Laura: Yeah, yeah,

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Xhafer: Like fucking in the holodeck

man, so I've been rewatching Voyager

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and I forgot how horny they get

about holodeck fucking in that show

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Laura: I had forgotten too, because

I watched it when I was quite young.

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Xhafer: Yeah, I'm in season six

and they've got the the Irish

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town I Just watched yeah, I just

watched a couple of those episodes.

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It's just like man Even

Shikote's all like, Well, yeah,

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but you fuck holograms, right?

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Because it's totally

normal to fuck a hologram.

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I'm just like, oh shit.

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Okay.

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Laura: I have always told people that

my favorite Star Trek was Deep Space

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Nine, but then when I was re watching

Voyager, I was like, oh, could I be wrong?

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Was it maybe actually Voyager all along?

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I don't know.

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No, I still love Deep Space Nine.

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I won't give that up.

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Xhafer: I mean, I'm always

just going to be a TNG fanboy.

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But that has a lot more to do with, like,

that show's place in my personal history

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Laura: Sure.

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I think that that is true

for everybody, actually.

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And whether or not you recognize

it, yeah, that's okay, but

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Xhafer: Yeah the same thing happens

with uh, Final Fantasy games.

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Everyone's favorite Final Fantasy game is

the first one that they really got into.

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Regardless of when that was

or how much they played it.

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Laura: hmm.

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Sure.

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Xhafer: Anyways so they go down after uh,

Galen gets Gideon some normie clothes.

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Laura: Yeah, Galen kind of

takes this whole thing over.

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He's like, Oh, well, um, So, us

two are just going to go down,

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no guards, no military stuff.

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We're going to do it in plainclothes,

like, let us try to handle this first.

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And the EA captain is not,

like, super into that.

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Xhafer: Yeah, but fuck him.

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Laura: Yeah.

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Xhafer: piece of shit.

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Laura: Yeah,

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Xhafer: Galen kind of hints that

he might know what's going on here.

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Laura: Mm hmm.

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Yeah.

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Xhafer: He's like, I got an inkling.

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And he's like, so you

gonna tell me if I'm right?

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And what if you're wrong?

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Well that's not gonna happen.

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It's all like, okay dude.

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Laura: I like Kaelin

though, I, I really do.

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Xhafer: Tunas?

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Is that the name of this drink that he

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Laura: Oh, so we watch it with, um, with

the subtitles on, cause I need that.

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And I think they're just called

like Toonies or something.

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it's not Tuna, I think it's Toonie.

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Xhafer: Toonies.

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Laura: Yeah.

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It was definitely

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spelled with

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like, Uh, that's,

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Xhafer: Yeah,

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Laura: Uh,

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Xhafer: And toonies.

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Yeah.

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Laura: yeah, yeah, that's good.

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That's real good.

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they've like stumbled into the

Firefly set or costumes or something.

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Like, it's not totally medieval,

but it's definitely like leaning

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medieval Western, like on this planet.

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Xhafer: For sure.

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Laura: Yeah.

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Gideon makes the classic

mistake of overpaying for

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his beers in a foreign place.

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Xhafer: Oh, man.

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What a Rube, right?

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Laura: indeed.

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Xhafer: What's that even mean?

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I need to look up the etymology

of that word before I say it.

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Laura: Rube?

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Xhafer: Rube.

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I don't know what that means.

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I don't know what that

actually comes from.

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Laura: Oh, yeah.

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Sometimes I've stumbled

into that, for sure.

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But it's one of those things like the word

gets so far from the original meaning that

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it's almost divorced of it and you're,

you don't have any context anymore.

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Xhafer: It's an abbreviation

of the name Ruben.

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racist against

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Laura: racist against Rubens.

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Ruben is a good sandwich.

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I really like a Ruben sometimes.

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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Yeah, I'd get down on a Reuben.

420

:

I like Thousand Island.

421

:

Laura: Yeah, me too.

422

:

On a sandwich.

423

:

Xhafer: yeah, on a burger, I will, I

literally don't get anything besides

424

:

Thousand Island on a burger these days.

425

:

Why would I bother with anything else?

426

:

It's not going to be as good.

427

:

Ketchup and mustard.

428

:

Get out of here.

429

:

Mayo, please.

430

:

Laura: have you ever done

your Ruben with turkey?

431

:

Like if you're trying

to watch your Kcals or

432

:

Xhafer: I've,

433

:

Laura: Love a

434

:

Xhafer: turkey

435

:

Reubens.

436

:

Mm hmm.

437

:

Laura: So good.

438

:

Xhafer: Look, there's not a whole lot

of show for us to talk about here.

439

:

You want an hour long episode, this is

the content you can expect from Crusade.

440

:

Laura: For

441

:

Xhafer: Lord knows the show

isn't doing us any favors here

442

:

by making us talk about it.

443

:

Laura: Yeah.

444

:

So, because Gideon overpaid for

his beers, he really overplayed

445

:

his hand and the townspeople

know that they are not one of us.

446

:

But in addition to being like

out of towners, they're also

447

:

like probably out of planeters.

448

:

Xhafer: Yeah.

449

:

Laura: And they try to intimidate

Gideon and Galen here in this

450

:

inn, but they're interrupted by

lightning and thunder and wind.

451

:

Obviously another

technomage at this point.

452

:

Xhafer: Yeah, yeah, Alwyn shows

up through the fog machines.

453

:

I like to think that, like,

they talk about, like, their

454

:

advanced technology and stuff.

455

:

It is just fog machines and,

like, light shows, right?

456

:

They're just, like, effectively,

like, middle school dance DJs.

457

:

Laura: Yeah, we've seen, what, one

Technomage before in Babylon 5?

458

:

Or do we actually have two Technomages?

459

:

I forget.

460

:

But,

461

:

Xhafer: Alrick.

462

:

And he's important for later.

463

:

Laura: Yeah!

464

:

Xhafer: He comes back in this episode.

465

:

Laura: we had

466

:

him.

467

:

and now we have Galen, and we have Alwin.

468

:

And, all Technomages do, as far as

I can tell so far, is hollow demons.

469

:

Xhafer: They fuckin love their Hollow

Demons, which comes up in a scene later in

470

:

this episode that I actually really liked.

471

:

Laura: Yeah, yeah.

472

:

So he's, he's doing the, the like bluff.

473

:

He's passed his bluff check

to make a D& D reference.

474

:

And he says, well, these guys are mine.

475

:

That coin that was, gave them

away, that was supposed to be

476

:

the signal to give them to me.

477

:

Like, get out of my way.

478

:

I'm going to, I'll take

care of this, you know?

479

:

Xhafer: Mm hmm.

480

:

So, they all leave.

481

:

They catch up a little.

482

:

Galen calls Alwyn out on the Gold

Dragon being, like, his calling card.

483

:

Laura: Yeah.

484

:

That made sense, though.

485

:

I was like, at least they, there was

a reason that Galen, like, hopped

486

:

to it to get involved in this.

487

:

Xhafer: Yeah.

488

:

And uh, Owen has them over for dinner.

489

:

Uh, We learn that he

is a former Technomage.

490

:

He has been removed from the Order.

491

:

He stayed in the galaxy as a protest

when the others decided to leave instead

492

:

of participate in the Shadow War.

493

:

Laura: Yeah.

494

:

This was interesting, and I really wanted

them to, like, connect the dots between

495

:

him getting kicked out for staying here

during the Shadow War and, like, the

496

:

responsibility he feels to these people.

497

:

Like, he's got some, like,

survivor's guilt about not Having

498

:

been able to do more in the

Shadow War, not explored at all.

499

:

Xhafer: Yet.

500

:

Just, just hold on.

501

:

Laura: Okay.

502

:

Xhafer: There, there's more about

the Technomages and the leaving

503

:

for the Shadow War to come.

504

:

Laura: Okay.

505

:

Alright.

506

:

Xhafer: We get some, there's

very specific reasoning for why.

507

:

Anyways yeah.

508

:

So Alwin makes clear that from

his perspective, he's tried

509

:

everything to end this peacefully.

510

:

And it's like, look, when they show up

with guns, they're leaving in boxes.

511

:

And then, you know, as he says this,

IceCube's natural born killas just

512

:

starts playing in the background.

513

:

Everyone puts on sunglasses.

514

:

Gets a lean on.

515

:

Yeah.

516

:

It's good stuff.

517

:

I really like that scene.

518

:

With the IceCube.

519

:

The uh, locals, um, move in the

night to halt the mining operation.

520

:

Shortly thereafter here

they kidnap a ton of people.

521

:

Laura: Yeah.

522

:

Hostages.

523

:

Let's talk fonts.

524

:

Let's fontcast this

525

:

Xhafer: Let's fontcast.

526

:

This is the exact moment I knew you

were going to want to talk about.

527

:

I knew immediately.

528

:

Because the villagers, like, stab a

note through the wall with a knife.

529

:

Which, have you ever done that before?

530

:

Laura: but it seems probably like one

of those things that's not as easy

531

:

as it always looks in the movies.

532

:

Xhafer: Oh, it's totally

as easy as it always looks.

533

:

It's super easy.

534

:

As long as you've got a decent knife, it's

535

:

Laura: Okay.

536

:

Sure.

537

:

I've probably never had

538

:

a,

539

:

decent knife.

540

:

Xhafer: I have done this.

541

:

I have also had a friend do this at an

apartment drunk off their ass in college.

542

:

And it's especially noteworthy because

he decided to do it by the front door,

543

:

and he did it right above the power box.

544

:

Laura: Oh,

545

:

Xhafer: like the, we were all just

like, Like, everything was fine.

546

:

Uh, He missed all the wires,

but he just threw a knife

547

:

through it right there to put a

548

:

Laura: Yeah.

549

:

Yeah.

550

:

Xhafer: terrifying in retrospect.

551

:

Laura: I want to know a

couple of things about this.

552

:

Xhafer: Yeah, let's talk.

553

:

Laura: Where did this agrarian

society get a printer?

554

:

Because this is clearly a font.

555

:

Xhafer: That is the exact thing I

have written in my notes, Laura.

556

:

Ha

557

:

Laura: The other thing is, where did

they get access to the Harry Potter font?

558

:

Because

559

:

Xhafer: movies

560

:

Laura: this is.

561

:

Xhafer: out yet!

562

:

Laura: Yeah, that's what this is.

563

:

This is, oh, maybe this is like an

early, you know, we're, we're testing

564

:

fonts for the next big magic book.

565

:

I don't know.

566

:

Xhafer: Hey Turner was part of Time

Warner, Warner Brothers made Harry Potter.

567

:

Laura: Oh,

568

:

Xhafer: that font's proprietary,

it might actually just been like

569

:

lurking in a database for them to use.

570

:

Laura: Crusade is now

canonical Harry Potter.

571

:

Xhafer: How you gonna

fuck this one up, Joanne?

572

:

Fuck you.

573

:

Anyways,

574

:

Laura: This, this note made me laugh.

575

:

There's just a lot of reasons.

576

:

Like, why didn't you have somebody

handwrite this, like, in a big marker?

577

:

Like, come on.

578

:

Xhafer: The only way this would have

been better, in my opinion, is if it

579

:

was the like, super stereotypical,

like, cut together newspaper magazine

580

:

stuff.

581

:

Because you know that society

doesn't have those things.

582

:

Laura: Mhmm.

583

:

Well, maybe they have a

subscription to Vogue.

584

:

Like, you don't know.

585

:

Xhafer: Space Vogue.

586

:

Laura: Cosmo.

587

:

Xhafer: They don't even

have to change their name!

588

:

Laura: I hope Cosmo makes

it into:

589

:

I don't know.

590

:

Just just for funds.

591

:

Xhafer: I really want Cosmo to

turn into a spacefaring magazine.

592

:

Laura: Me too.

593

:

Xhafer: It's so good.

594

:

Anyways we learned that

Galen was Alric's apprentice.

595

:

Laura: Yeah,

596

:

we remember him.

597

:

Xhafer: Yep, he's the one who

fucked with Veer back on B5.

598

:

We learned that Galen's parents

were both Technomages as well.

599

:

Another fucking Nepo, baby.

600

:

Laura: Oh yeah.

601

:

Xhafer: You just get

602

:

inducted in the order when your

parents are fucking techno maids.

603

:

You just get born into your

billion dollar lifestyle, Galen.

604

:

Instead of having to fuckin

earn it like the rest of us.

605

:

Laura: Well, so far all we've seen of

techno mages is like, middle aged to old

606

:

bald men and it is kind of nice White too.

607

:

Yeah.

608

:

It is kind of nice to know that

theoretically, well, we don't

609

:

know that Galen's parents were

mom and dad, but maybe women are

610

:

allowed to be techno mages too?

611

:

Xhafer: Yeah.

612

:

right now is this is just

what happens to Bezos.

613

:

Like, everyone who's super rich in

the future by the time you get to

614

:

Babylon 5, like, instead of inheriting

wealth, you just become a technomage

615

:

and that's just, that's just how

you flaunt your wealth around.

616

:

Laura: Yeah, yeah.

617

:

That's, that's what Elon and,

Bezos are all gunnin for it, right?

618

:

They want to

619

:

Xhafer: Yeah.

620

:

For sure.

621

:

For sure.

622

:

I mean, Bezos already's got the haircut.

623

:

Laura: Mm hmm.

624

:

Yeah.

625

:

The haircut is most of it, right?

626

:

Xhafer: For sure, it's haircuts and robes.

627

:

Word makes it to Gideon about the

miners being held by the locals.

628

:

And we see the asshole captain

send down his lieutenant and some

629

:

mobile infantry to handle it.

630

:

Laura: Yeah.

631

:

He's gung ho.

632

:

He's like, this is how you

earn your stripes, bro.

633

:

Like, get down there and bust some heads.

634

:

Combat.

635

:

Xhafer: You need some combat experience

if you ever gonna be promoted, son!

636

:

Laura: Yeah.

637

:

Bleh.

638

:

Xhafer: They fly through the

dragon on their way down.

639

:

And we've got, I'll just call him,

I didn't write down his actual name.

640

:

I'm calling him Lieutenant JGDB.

641

:

Cause he's junior grade douchebag.

642

:

Laura: Yeah, I like that.

643

:

Okay.

644

:

Xhafer: He pushes all the

locals at the inn down.

645

:

And starts making demands as Olwen

and Galen uh, show up in the inn.

646

:

No quicker, does he say, not to worry,

they're all holograms, than does

647

:

he get socked in the face by one?

648

:

Laura: Yeah.

649

:

Xhafer: Perfection.

650

:

Laura: I do like that.

651

:

That's, that's got like overtones

of Londo and the Hollow Demons.

652

:

Xhafer: Mm hmm.

653

:

Laura: Yeah.

654

:

Xhafer: I was here for it.

655

:

Laura: Pretty good.

656

:

Pretty good.

657

:

Xhafer: and Galen are just watching

this demon program destroy everything.

658

:

And they're just like talking

shop during this whole thing.

659

:

Like they're just completely

ignoring what it's actually doing.

660

:

It's under control, whatever.

661

:

Right.

662

:

And they're just like talking about

like the actual design and writing

663

:

of the program and code and stuff

in a very nonchalant manner while it

664

:

is running roughshod over everyone.

665

:

I have had this conversation.

666

:

I have been in a, like, Security session.

667

:

So in managed service provider world,

one thing that we off service that we

668

:

offer for our clients that they usually

take us up on is security testing.

669

:

So we'll do something called a pen

test and that could be a phishing

670

:

attempt or whatever, right?

671

:

Like we fake a phishing

email and send it to you.

672

:

So then, and we know who clicks

it so that we can, we can

673

:

yell at those people, right?

674

:

That kind of stuff.

675

:

And so I have been in a like war room at

the start of like an aggressive pen test.

676

:

That we are conducting

on one of our clients.

677

:

And we're just like watching it

run across their network as we're

678

:

just sitting here talking about

what it's doing very nonchalantly.

679

:

And I was just transported back

to that moment of my life while

680

:

watching this conversation take place.

681

:

Laura: is a very Babylon 5 conversation.

682

:

Like you could see Zack and Garibaldi

sitting there having a conversation

683

:

during something crazy happening

or Lockley and Sheridan having this

684

:

conversation.

685

:

Like this is that kind of

dialogue that I missed and we're

686

:

not getting nearly enough of.

687

:

Haha.

688

:

Haha.

689

:

Xhafer: greed.

690

:

Over on the Medusa, Lieutenant JGDB

reports that the mission failed and

691

:

that they are now all also hostages.

692

:

Laura: Oops.

693

:

I want more of Lt.

694

:

J.

695

:

G.

696

:

D.

697

:

D.

698

:

B.

699

:

Damn, I can't do it.

700

:

It's all yours.

701

:

Xhafer: it is six letters in my

notes too because I abbreviate

702

:

the lieutenant so it's LTJGDB.

703

:

Laura: Lower Decks journey now.

704

:

Like, things aren't going well for

you after you get taken hostage on the

705

:

mission to take back the hostages, right?

706

:

You're gonna be scrubbing

some decks, is all I'm saying.

707

:

Xhafer: over at all wins the bar.

708

:

Heep also, resistance leader wants to

press their advantage as all wind says.

709

:

They must let the hostages go.

710

:

And this is when his daughter collapses?

711

:

Laura: Hmm, yeah, apparently the

antiviral dust Not so good for the lungs.

712

:

Xhafer: take her up to the

Excalibur for their Med Bay.

713

:

Where our doctor, who I'm sure is an

interesting character, will handle

714

:

things, but we don't get to find

out anything more about that person.

715

:

Owen lectures the colonists

with some indignation here.

716

:

He's gonna settle this his way.

717

:

The Excalibur and the Medusa

talk as uh, Galen radios in.

718

:

He's To describe Alwyn's plan here, he

has set himself up in the mine, and he's

719

:

going to use the circular nature of the

mine as a reflection chamber to make a

720

:

beam that is going to destroy the Medusa.

721

:

Laura: Yeah, Gideon in between,

like, we're glossing over,

722

:

Gideon is really trying.

723

:

Like, he's saying like, you've gotta

stop mining this stuff right now,

724

:

it's killing their kids, like Uh,

there needs to be a different solution

725

:

and the Earth Force captain is just

like, no, I'm not going to do that.

726

:

Earth needs this stuff more than these

people's lives are worth, basically.

727

:

Xhafer: Mm hmm.

728

:

Laura: I mean, we don't even know

that this is going to be that

729

:

helpful against the Drak Plague.

730

:

I'm like, that's such a weak argument,

731

:

Xhafer: Agreed.

732

:

I mean, they do say that the mineral has

been showing promise in trials back home.

733

:

That's all we hear of it, though.

734

:

Laura: Yeah, it's so vague.

735

:

Also what's happening to the girl is

very vague, like they're just like,

736

:

oh, you know, you have to adjust

to small quantities of the mineral

737

:

over your whole life and she's been

exposed to too much through the dust

738

:

in the air and now she's dying and

it's like, well, what's happening?

739

:

Are her lungs failing?

740

:

Is it building up in her blood?

741

:

Can we get some more, like, details?

742

:

Otherwise, I just feel like

we're just kind of glossing

743

:

over it and it's not important.

744

:

Xhafer: How does this stuff work?

745

:

Is it replacing her white blood cells?

746

:

Like, is her body, is it

attacking her whole body now?

747

:

Like, just A line.

748

:

A line.

749

:

It's not hard.

750

:

And one of my classic metrics

of how good an episode is.

751

:

So,

752

:

Laura: Yeah.

753

:

Good point.

754

:

Continue.

755

:

Xhafer: So the Excalibur and the Medusa

are talking, the captain in the Medusa

756

:

here begs Gideon to just fucking fire the

lasers down on the surface to kill all

757

:

wind before he can blow up their ship.

758

:

Like you would let

these men and women die.

759

:

And he, at this point, he just seems to

be all like, well, you could just say

760

:

you're gonna move the mine and he'll stop

761

:

Laura: Yeah.

762

:

Sounds like you're going to

let these men and women die.

763

:

Xhafer: Right?

764

:

But, but this is the plan though.

765

:

Obviously, this is the plan.

766

:

Laura: Yeah.

767

:

I have a question.

768

:

Is this the gun that's firing the, like,

gun where we can't move afterwards?

769

:

Or is this just, like, regular guns?

770

:

Xhafer: This is the gun that

you can't move afterwards

771

:

because it comes from the arms.

772

:

When it's the death star and

it's the lasers that become

773

:

the big laser, that's the gun.

774

:

You can't fire afterwards when

it's just the normal guns.

775

:

It's only at the front of the ship.

776

:

Laura: Okay.

777

:

I feel like that should be clearer, like,

778

:

Xhafer: They showed us

that in call the arms when

779

:

Laura: yeah.

780

:

I don't know that it was super

maybe I wasn't watching close enough

781

:

because, you know, we're trying

to take notes at the same time.

782

:

Xhafer: I'm also making excuses

for a terrible TV show, so fuck me.

783

:

Like,

784

:

Laura: no, no, I

785

:

Xhafer: they could also explain it.

786

:

Laura: yeah, I feel like if it

was just one scene versus another

787

:

scene, I easily missed it because

I was making notes, like, if we saw

788

:

the guns fire and they were just

straightforward and then he's like,

789

:

no, more power and now it's Death Star.

790

:

Yeah, I, I totally missed that.

791

:

So I was like, okay, what, happening?

792

:

Like, is this the

793

:

Xhafer: would argue that

you've missed nothing.

794

:

Laura: Indeed.

795

:

Indeed.

796

:

Okay.

797

:

So we've destroyed the mine

at the same time as we've

798

:

Xhafer: Glassed that shit.

799

:

Yeah.

800

:

Laura: Yep.

801

:

So we've got to move the mine now.

802

:

So guess what, dude?

803

:

Like, if you just agreed to

move the mine, same effect here.

804

:

Xhafer: Right?

805

:

Gideon and the barkeep discuss the

colonists are going to help the miners

806

:

find a new location that is safe,

807

:

Laura: Yeah.

808

:

They feel a little guilty.

809

:

Xhafer: as well.

810

:

Laura: Mm hmm.

811

:

Xhafer: And we learn Alwyn

wasn't dead, because of course.

812

:

He waxes philosophical about uh,

kind of like the point of living,

813

:

like entering living memory becoming

legend, living on past your death.

814

:

know,

815

:

Laura: Yeah, and it was like time

to leave these people because they

816

:

specifically said in one of their heated

moments, like, we don't need reason.

817

:

We have this guy, and he's

like, no, they're abandoning

818

:

reason because of my power.

819

:

So it's time for me to go.

820

:

Xhafer: Yep.

821

:

Laura: that was a really powerful

message, actually, within this.

822

:

episode.

823

:

Xhafer: I would

824

:

Laura: Uh, because I definitely feel

like people around me have abandoned

825

:

reason because of the power they

think they have from their religion

826

:

and then the power that they have

actually from the systems around them.

827

:

And it's like, I would like

a little more reason, please.

828

:

Somebody, anybody.

829

:

Xhafer: Please.

830

:

Please.

831

:

Fuck.

832

:

We just had to watch those

two old fucks debate.

833

:

Laura: I didn't watch it.

834

:

I couldn't do it, man.

835

:

Xhafer: Oh, it's so bad.

836

:

Laura: yeah,

837

:

yeah,

838

:

What are we doing, guys?

839

:

What are we doing?

840

:

Xhafer: I saw a TikTok the other

day that has made me laugh more than

841

:

anything else in the last several weeks.

842

:

Laura: Uh Huh.

843

:

Xhafer: And it was a guy in the mirror,

and he's just fucking tired, right?

844

:

He's just so exhausted.

845

:

He's all like, It's happening again.

846

:

Somehow, we have to choose

between these two fucks.

847

:

Again.

848

:

It's like we're cursed.

849

:

It's like we built this country on

an ancient Indian burial ground.

850

:

Laura: Oh.

851

:

Hmm.

852

:

Hmm.

853

:

Xhafer: Oh fuck!

854

:

Anyways, the show.

855

:

I hope you're here for

anything but Crusade Pod.

856

:

Yeah,

857

:

Laura: in the forest.

858

:

We've gotta leave.

859

:

Uh, Alwyn's gonna get

back on the long road.

860

:

Xhafer: I am kind of sick.

861

:

So, originally, listener Ben was

going to join us for this episode.

862

:

And when Well, that's the only

reason he wanted this episode.

863

:

He has never seen Crusade.

864

:

And so he's all like, oh,

what are the episode titles?

865

:

Oh, that one, I can make a

Star Trek Enterprise joke.

866

:

Give me that one.

867

:

Literally what he said to me.

868

:

And I think he actually would

have really enjoyed talking

869

:

shit about this episode with us.

870

:

Laura: Oh, yeah.

871

:

Xhafer: This

872

:

has been a bit of a very coded episode.

873

:

Laura: yeah, it leans hard into that,

like, medieval fantasy stuff, which

874

:

I, I love the, the fantasy part of Babylon

5, like, you know, a lot of sci fi is

875

:

just grounded in hard science, right?

876

:

But in Babylon 5, there's some

fantastical, some mysterious, unexplained,

877

:

you know, science indistinguishable from

magic, like the technomages and then the

878

:

first ones and whatever.

879

:

And I like that.

880

:

I think the show is trying to lean

into it and it's not doing it.

881

:

Xhafer: Yeah.

882

:

It's trying.

883

:

It's trying real hard.

884

:

It's trying so hard that it's time

to rate this episode on a scale

885

:

of one to four main guns fired.

886

:

Laura: Okay.

887

:

Well.

888

:

You've already alluded to your scale about

dialogue, so let's go ahead and get your

889

:

Xhafer: Yeah, fair enough.

890

:

Um, as I have stated countless times

over the course of this podcast, if

891

:

I feel like I could make the episode

better with one line of dialogue,

892

:

To fix a thing with the plot.

893

:

To just explain just a little

bit more than was explained.

894

:

That drops it a whole rating for me.

895

:

Laura: Yeah.

896

:

Xhafer: That said, This

episode was stupid fun.

897

:

I really, I really actually genuinely

enjoyed this episode of Crusade.

898

:

Laura: Okay.

899

:

Xhafer: not good.

900

:

Laura: Uh Huh.

901

:

Xhafer: But it was fun.

902

:

It's fun in the way that

you watch a B movie.

903

:

and of everything we've seen between the

other episode and Call to Arms so far,

904

:

that moment with Galen and Alwyn talking

about stuff calmly while shit was going

905

:

everywhere felt very trademark B5 to

906

:

me.

907

:

Laura: Yeah.

908

:

That was a good moment.

909

:

Xhafer: And so I would probably start

this episode at a three out of four guns.

910

:

Laura: Mm hmm.

911

:

Xhafer: And after my

point reduction penalty.

912

:

I'm gonna say it's two

out of four main guns.

913

:

Laura: Okay, okay, I like that because

we're a little bit flip flopped on this

914

:

one and I'm not sure how it happened but

915

:

Xhafer: you hate this?

916

:

Laura: I didn't hate it.

917

:

That's too strong.

918

:

This one I felt much more, I felt very

indifferent to it, um, We were having

919

:

trouble staying awake during this one, and

immediately afterwards, I needed a nap.

920

:

Like, we finished this episode,

and then I took an hour nap.

921

:

Uh, So, I think I'm gonna give this

one main guns for one hour nap.

922

:

Oh,

923

:

Xhafer: week, we're skipping

ahead to episode eight

924

:

appearances and other deceits.

925

:

What a JMS fucking episode title.

926

:

Laura: yeah.

927

:

That's true.

928

:

That's classic, too.

929

:

Oh,

930

:

Xhafer: consciousness that

takes over the Excalibur's crew.

931

:

This also, from that description,

sounds like a good episode.

932

:

How will Crusade disappoint me this time?

933

:

Laura: It sounds like a very

TNG episode, doesn't it?

934

:

Xhafer: It does.

935

:

Laura: I'm sure we've done this

in Star Trek several times.

936

:

Xhafer: Yeah, most assuredly.

937

:

Laura: Every season.

938

:

I can picture this in TNG, Deep

Space Nine, and Voyager, and I'm

939

:

sure someone in the Discord can give

me the exact episodes, but yeah.

940

:

Yeah.

941

:

Xhafer: in that field house for sure.

942

:

You know what else is in our field house?

943

:

Saying thank you.

944

:

Thank you Jeremy Siegel

for our lovely theme music.

945

:

You can find more of Jeremy's

work at jeremysiegel42.

946

:

bandcamp.

947

:

com and on your favorite streaming

services as Nuclear Jaguar.

948

:

Laura: Yeah, and thank you

to Angry Duck Time Machine on

949

:

Instagram for our podcast artwork.

950

:

Xhafer: Aaron!

951

:

This is probably actually the

softball we're throwing here.

952

:

Laura: Yeah, yeah, this

one's a little better.

953

:

And

954

:

Xhafer: your contribution.

955

:

Laura: to you, the listener, for

being here on this crusade with us.

956

:

Ah, why didn't I say that last time?

957

:

God damn it.

958

:

Yeah,

959

:

Xhafer: Remember it for next up.

960

:

Laura: If you want to talk about

any thoughts you have on Crusade,

961

:

you can join us in the Discord or

send those to whoareyoub5 at gmail.

962

:

com.

963

:

We would love to hear from you.

964

:

Xhafer: And we'll see

you next week, internet.

965

:

Laura: Bye.

966

:

Xhafer: Bye.

Show artwork for Who Are You?

About the Podcast

Who Are You?
A Babylon 5 Watchcast
Join Laura and Xhafer, two internet strangers as they get to know each other while making jokes about one of their favorite TV shows from their childhood, Babylon 5.