Episode 135

full
Published on:

31st Jul 2024

Crusade 4 - Technomage Shade

Join Laura and Xhafer, two internet strangers as they get to know each other while making jokes about one of their favorite TV shows from their childhood, Babylon 5.

Laura and Xhafer put their four episodes' worth of Crusade knowledge to the test. Meanwhile, the Excalibur crew explores an abandoned world with absurdly placed data crystals. Galen confronts the Technomages' dark past and Gideon asks: "What's in the box?" in Crusade: Episode 10 - The Memory of War.

Transcript
Laura:

Hello and welcome to Who Are You?

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We're the Babylon 5 watch cast by a

couple of former strangers who are

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now friends and still getting to know

each other over one of their favorite

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shows from their childhood, Babylon 5.

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I'm Laura.

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Xhafer: And I'm Ja'far.

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Laura: And today I think we have a quiz.

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Xhafer: We got a little quizzy do.

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Laura: Yay.

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I'm so excited.

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All right.

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About a show I've only

seen four episodes of.

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Xhafer: Yeah, this is a

Crusade specific quiz.

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And I haven't read all of the

questions, but my screen has up

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through number three and it's about

an episode we haven't watched.

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So I'm not expecting us

to do particularly well.

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The average score is 13 out of 20.

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Laura: That sounds tough, too.

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Or maybe it's a show problem.

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Xhafer: this quiz was last

updated December,:

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Laura: Who was

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Xhafer: way too recently.

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Laura: Well, you know, maybe that

was somebody's pandemic thing.

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Like, maybe they got into Babylon 5

and hit Crusade real hard, and then

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they had to go update some shit.

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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okay.

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I got, I'm going to read

some questions here.

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This first one I already know the answer

for because I did all the planning.

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So it's how many episodes of

crusade were filmed and aired.

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Laura: Filmed and aired.

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They're not the same number, right?

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Xhafer: You're correct.

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But the number of aired episodes

was only five in America.

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I'm assuming that this was

done by someone not in America.

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Laura: Oh, okay.

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Xhafer: In which case the number

of filmed episodes was 13, which is

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Laura: Yeah, I was gonna say

it's 13, but only 5 aired.

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Okay.

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Xhafer: Yeah, our options

are 11, 16, 13, and 8.

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So, we're gonna go

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Laura: We got this.

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We got that one.

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Xhafer: The first five episodes

filmed were the last five aired.

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Now, this is in not production

not DVD order, right?

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Laura: huh.

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Xhafer: And the answer to this is yes.

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Laura: was just a yes or no question?

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Xhafer: a yeah, it's a true or false,

um, and I'm pretty sure it's a yes

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because I remember there being lots

of complaints about the show's quality

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dipping after it aired and the first five

episodes produced being the strongest.

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And one of the advantages of

the watch order we've chosen

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is it breaks up those episodes.

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Laura: Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Okay.

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I could see that.

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Knowing,

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Xhafer: Racing the Night.

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Galen quotes a phrase from the

Bible and Gideon identifies

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this book this quote comes from.

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What book is it?

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Solomon?

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Job?

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Judges?

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Or Song of Songs?

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I'm not a Bible person.

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Is Song of Songs a book of the Bible?

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Laura: I'm not sure.

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I know there's the Song of Solomon,

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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Laura: heard.

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Xhafer: There's Psalms.

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I know that's a book of the Bible,

but that's not, that's with a P.

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That's not what this is.

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Laura: yeah, but Psalms are

songs, like, yeah Song of Songs.

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I'm just going to pop

that in the old Google.

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Yeah, no, that's, that's a

book in the Bible, apparently.

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Xhafer: a book of the Bible?

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Okay.

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Laura: Yeah, I really wish I knew context

about the episode, because I feel like

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there's, like, Job is referred to often,

so, and there's like the struggles of

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Job and whatever, so I, I don't know,

I'm just going to go with that one.

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Xhafer: I will take your word for it.

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Laura: I have no context of what the

episode's about, so I can't really go

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any closer, but I, people love to talk

about the Book of Job, so, why not?

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Xhafer: yeah.

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Alright, what is the name

of the ship in Crusade?

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Is it

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Laura: Oh, there's the Excalibur!

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Xhafer: it's the Excalibur, yeah.

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But our options are Crusader,

Antares, or the Rotaran.

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The Rataran being a Klingon

bird of prey, if memory serves.

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Laura: Yes, yes.

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I forget which series it's from, but yeah.

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Xhafer: Which Babylon 5 TV movie

provided the backstory for Crusade?

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Laura: Call to Arms, we've

been through that, yeah.

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Xhafer: Okay.

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In the episode, The Well of Forever,

which is not one we've watched, Galen

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says a eulogy for his dead beloved.

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Part of what he says is a

quote from a Shakespeare play.

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Which one?

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Our options are Romeo and Juliet,

Sembeline, Hamlet, or Othello.

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Laura: Can't be Hamlet, right?

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Xhafer: That would be a weird choice for,

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Laura: would be weird, too.

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Xhafer: well, so it is a eulogy though.

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Laura: Okay,

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Xhafer: So, I mean, I could see a little,

is the last poor Yorick, is that Hamlet or

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Macbeth?

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Laura: hamlet.

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Xhafer: Okay, yeah, so that's the

one about death being is death

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an endless slumber to, or is

it dream and heaven and stuff?

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Like, there's stuff in there that I

could see in that monologue that you

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might, if you're, if you're Galen,

you might work into a eulogy.

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Laura: I really want it to be that,

and I want it to be that speech, but

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I want it to be him talking about,

I'm assuming a beloved woman, some

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sort of beloved, and him just saying,

Alas, poor so and so, I knew you well.

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Xhafer: Do we just want to say Hamlet

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Laura: Yeah, let's go

with Hamlet, why not?

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Xhafer: Okay, well, speaking of

that person, what is the name

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of the person Galen is mourning?

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Isabelle?

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Susanna?

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Ernesta or Morgan?

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Laura: I really want it to be Ernesta.

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I don't think it is though.

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Mm,

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Xhafer: I'm disappointed.

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Laura: mm hmm.

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You think the beloved is a techno mage?

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Xhafer: Oh, it's Galen.

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It has to be.

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Laura: Mm, okay.

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I mean his parents were,

so I could see that.

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I think, I'm feeling

Susanna for some reason.

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I don't know why.

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Xhafer: You thinkin that uh, Dark Tower?

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Maybe.

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Laura: I don't know.

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Xhafer: Alright.

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What crusade regular was 5?

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We talked about this the other day.

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They haven't shown up

yet, but it's Lockley.

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He's in the main credits.

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Laura: Give me some more Lockley.

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Xhafer: what is unique about

Lieutenant John Matheson?

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Laura: Telepath.

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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Laura: Cheekbones.

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Xhafer: Cheekbones.

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The other options are Technomage,

Blind, or all of the above.

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Laura: Yeah, a blind techno mage telepath.

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I love it.

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Yes, give me that guy.

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Xhafer: Which actor had his

father play a major guest

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character in one of the episodes?

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Laura: Oh, was it

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Xhafer: We just talked

about this on the Discord.

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Yeah.

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Galen's actor Peter Woodward

is one of the options.

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The others are David

Alan Brooks, Daniel A.

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Kim, and Marjean Holden.

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Laura: Yeah, we didn't clock

it in that episode where he

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Xhafer: We didn't, but the

Discord saved us on this quiz.

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Laura: Yeah, thanks Discord.

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Xhafer: Thank you!

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How many years does the crew have

to find a cure to the drach plague?

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Laura: Five, right?

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Xhafer: Mm hmm.

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Laura: They have a five year mission.

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Xhafer: Um, which character

has a sister trapped on Earth?

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Hmm.

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Laura: Sarah Chambers.

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Xhafer: Correct.

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Our doctor.

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whose ex wife do we meet in

the course of the series?

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Laura: Probably Sheridan's.

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Xhafer: Right?

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Well,

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I

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Laura: technically,

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Xhafer: Yeah, he's not on the list though.

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We've got Galen, Captain Gideon,

Lieutenant Matheson, or Max Eilerson.

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Laura: feel like Max Iverson

has got to have an ex wife.

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Xhafer: A string of ex wives that, in

that guy, you can tell he's the type.

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Laura: Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Gideon might too, but Max Eilerson,

I don't know that any one woman could

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put up with that for her whole life.

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Jesus Christ.

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Xhafer: Speaking of Max

Eilerson, what is his specialty?

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Laura: Linguistics.

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Yeah.

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Xhafer: Yes, that is one of the options.

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Cooking, painting, and navigation

were the other choices.

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Laura: mean, he could be

good at cooking and painting.

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We just don't know at this point.

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Xhafer: We got 5 questions

left, we're on 15.

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Well, I guess 6 questions left then.

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When Galen visits Darina in her

quarters, he asks her why she

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has made everything so small.

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What is her reaction?

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1.

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She attacks him.

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2.

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She laughs.

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3.

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She tells him to leave her

quarters and never return.

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Or 4.

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She's made everything the right size.

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She tells him she's made

everything the right size.

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Laura: I mean it should

definitely be number three.

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This man should turn around and

go away and never come back.

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But I feel like maybe it's number four?

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I don't know, this is a weird question.

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Xhafer: It is.

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What sci fi series is the episode

Visitors from Down the Street a spoof of?

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Is

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it Star Trek, Babylon 5, Lost

in Space, or The X Files?

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Laura: I feel like it's gotta be

like X Files or something, right?

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Like,

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Xhafer: That seems right.

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Laura: this is a very

X Files y kind of show.

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Like, we're a lot more mysterious.

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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Um, How did Gideon come to be in

possession of the Apocalypse Box?

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Laura: Okay, we need to talk about

the Apocalypse Box, but that is

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the end of this episode, my guy.

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We have to save it.

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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I didn't know that's what

it was called, but here

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Laura: I think that's what it is, yeah.

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Xhafer: It has to be it.

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Uh, Did he win it in a game of poker?

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Was it given to him by his father?

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Did he steal it, or did he

find it on a deserted planet?

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Laura: It's probably a

deserted planet, like,

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we're going to a lot of

those for some reason, yeah.

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Xhafer: Yep.

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Which Babylon 5 character appeared in

the episode, Each Night I Dream of Home?

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Was it Garibaldi, Delenn,

Veer, or none of these?

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Laura: I mean, it could be Lockley.

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Xhafer: I, I think it's none of these.

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Because I, well, um, I'm pretty sure

we know, Call to Arms is the last

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thing Jerry Doyle did in Babylon 5.

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I remember that being a thing.

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Laura: Okay.

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Xhafer: I don't remember D'Len

or Veer showing up in Crusade.

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I know Veer

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Laura: Has directed.

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Xhafer: but I don't think he

shows up in episode I don't

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recall D'Len showing up either.

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Laura: Okay, so let's just say none.

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Xhafer: I think that might be

the episode that Franklin is in.

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But

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Laura: okay.

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Xhafer: I'm not certain.

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Laura: Alright, go with none.

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Xhafer: we're

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Laura: You've convinced me.

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Xhafer: Complete the quote.

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There's always hope.

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It's the one thing and then our options.

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You can rely on nobody's

figured out how to kill yet.

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I truly believe in or that all races,

alien, and human have in common.

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Laura: It's either that one, or the

one thing we haven't killed yet.

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Xhafer: I

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Laura: it to be that one.

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Xhafer: I like it that one, yeah.

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Laura: Yeah, yeah.

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Xhafer: And uh, what was the

name of the last script completed

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for the show, but never filmed?

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Laura: Oh, we have that, right?

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Thank you.

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Xhafer: We have this.

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Appearances and Other

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Deceits, uh, which is a filmed episode.

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End of the line.

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Tacking into the wind.

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Or the changing face of evil.

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Laura: Well, you're the one

who has it, so you tell me.

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Xhafer: I don't remember.

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Laura: Oh no, crap!

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Xhafer: Um, I, end of the

line seems appropriate.

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It's probably not, but

we'll, I'm gonna hit submit.

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Are we good with these answers?

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Laura: I'm great with all these answers.

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Let's find out how we did.

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Xhafer: Okay.

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Oh, we did good.

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Laura: Yeah?

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Yeah, better than average?

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Xhafer: We got 16 out of 20.

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13 is the average score.

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Laura: Oh

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Xhafer: so the ones we got

wrong do you want to know?

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Because they're spoilies.

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Laura: that's fine.

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Xhafer: The Shakespeare

quote comes from Cymbeline.

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Laura: Okay.

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Sure.

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Xhafer: Care no more to clothe and

eat, to thee the reed is as the oak,

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the scepter learning psychic must,

I'll follow this and come to dust.

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All lovers young, all lovers must,

consign to thee and come to dust.

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Laura: Okay.

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Xhafer: Uh, And that was

for Isabelle, not Susanna.

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Laura: Damn.

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Okay.

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Xhafer: Um, and then, how many

years does the crew have to

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find a cure for the Drak Plague?

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Four.

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Laura: What?

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Xhafer: we s The Drak Plague

takes five years but they only

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have four years to find the cure.

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Laura: Oh, cause you gotta

like, manufacture it, I guess.

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Xhafer: Apparently, after that,

Gideon promised the alien government's

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Excalibur will return to Earth in

order to enforce the quarantine.

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And it quotes an episode

that hasn't happened yet.

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So, I don't feel bad about

getting that one wrong.

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Laura: Yeah, no, me neither.

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Xhafer: And then finally, how

did Gideon come into possession

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of the apocalypse box?

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Laura: Oh, do tell.

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Xhafer: We got it wrong.

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I don't Um, I don't know

that I'm going to tell you.

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It,

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Laura: though.

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Okay, listener.

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The apocalypse box.

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Did you watch the episode, listener?

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Because the, the highlight of

this whole episode for me was at

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the end, when Gideon sits in his

quarters and talks to his magic box.

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But I think that the episode

where he gets the magic box was

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never filmed, is what Eryn said.

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It

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Xhafer: no, it's, it's episode

four, the path of sorrows,

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Laura: Oh, okay, okay.

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Xhafer: we will be watching as our second

episode back after the movie break.

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Laura: Okay.

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Xhafer: So we won't find out for until

Oh God, that episode airs September 11th.

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But.

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That's when we'll find out where

the apocalypse box comes from.

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Oh, no,

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Laura: Oh, I can't wait to see

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how

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Xhafer: frame it in these very

specific criteria, it feels very bad.

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Laura: so excited.

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We get

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Xhafer: Well, we've got a lot of crusade

to talk about before we get there.

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So, why don't we get started on that?

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We've got our fourth episode of

coverage, the tenth episode in

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DVD air order, the memory of war.

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Laura: a great in media media open.

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More

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Xhafer: I love it in media media.

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Laura: It's one of my favorites.

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We get the ISN news

lady we've seen before.

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She's talking about we've got economic

collapse due to this pandemic.

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That checks out.

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That seems legit.

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Orbital transport has been banned.

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We talk about Pope Bernadette II,

which I feel is a very optimistic

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view of how things are going

to go for the Catholic Church.

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And Dr.

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Franklin is appearing before the

Senate to, to presumably talk

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about the pandemic and stuff.

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Xhafer: The crew has found a planet

that looks like it got plagued.

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Laura: Hmm.

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Xhafer: But, Before they can

start to investigate, Galen

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shows up to warn them off.

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That they're all going to die, probably.

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Laura: Where's Galen been?

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Cause I didn't realize he was gone, but

you know, these episodes are not in like

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Xhafer: Yeah, he comes and goes.

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Uh, He, he boards the ship

in a sequence that I can only

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describe as Zoolander esque.

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Laura: yes, there is a little

Zoolander energy about this man.

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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Laura: I like it.

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Xhafer: They, the senior staff meets

to discuss this planet as Galen is

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dramatically walking in, in what has to

be the smallest boardroom in history.

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Like.

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They have infinite basketball

courts, but not a meeting room

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that has a seat for Galen.

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Laura: Yeah.

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Well, you've got to have your priorities.

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Like basketball courts, very important.

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Meetings, not important.

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Could have been an email.

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Yeah.

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Xhafer: You know, that's so optimistic.

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I really appreciate that, actually.

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Laura: Yeah.

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They make it sound like they have been

looking for this planet specifically,

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like something in a previous episode.

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was leading us here.

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But Galen is not happy with it.

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He doesn't think anyone will

survive if they go down.

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Xhafer: But it doesn't matter, because

the uh, the crew's going anyways.

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They're excited to learn what they can.

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I mean, they take this from a

very, like, measured approach.

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Like, well, We can learn what didn't work.

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That might be helpful both in

managing, like, the population

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and the crisis on Earth, and then

also, like, the plague itself.

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Like, there's more to learn

than just, possibly, like, a

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potential lead on the cure.

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Yeah.

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Laura: we come back from Thiem.

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They're talking about how this planet

was wiped out by the same virus.

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Mm hmm.

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Or appears to have been wiped out

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Xhafer: A similar virus, some,

some type of similar virus, yeah.

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Laura: Mm hmm, yeah.

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Galen is being very sassy.

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And so we're still in new uniform

territory in this episode.

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And I know I gave them a lot

of shade in the last episode.

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Maybe they look better now.

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I'm It's growing on me.

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I'm okay with it.

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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So, I think because it's episode eight

in air order that got the new uniform.

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So, anything after that is

gonna be the new uniform.

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So, we're gonna be in new uniform

land for a while and then with

426

:

our watch order, we go back to

old uniforms towards the back end.

427

:

Laura: Yeah.

428

:

I knew it was going to be weird, but

I'm like, okay, it's growing on me.

429

:

I like it better.

430

:

Gary Cole's doing his

best to fill that thing.

431

:

Xhafer: Yeah.

432

:

Yeah, it doesn't feel as Galaxy Quest

when it's actually being worn by everyone.

433

:

And also, his is a little

different because he's got

434

:

that, like, captain motif.

435

:

It's a little different, so.

436

:

Laura: Everybody's gotta,

like, have a little extra

437

:

pizzazz on the captain, right?

438

:

Xhafer: If you're the captain

of a starship and you don't have

439

:

an action jacket, are you even

the captain of the starship?

440

:

Laura: Great question.

441

:

Yeah.

442

:

So Max Eilerson is all enraptured

by the idea of all this new alien

443

:

technology that might be down there.

444

:

Xhafer: hmm.

445

:

Laura: But Galen is still being very

weird and says all the Technomages

446

:

know this place is bad and diseased.

447

:

Ooh, haunted maybe, you

448

:

Xhafer: Yeah, ooh, this place sucks.

449

:

Don't go.

450

:

Why are we doing this?

451

:

This is dumb.

452

:

Laura: Yeah, he says the last Technomage

who tried to go to this place died.

453

:

Xhafer: But fuck it, the

crew are going anyways.

454

:

And uh, They will uh, Try To, at the

very least, learn something here.

455

:

Laura: Eylerson is an idiot, though.

456

:

His logic.

457

:

As he preps his whole team to

go down, is stupid and bad.

458

:

Xhafer: Yeah.

459

:

This is just the dichotomy here, of

like, Eilerson's all like, I'm bringing

460

:

y'all with me so they have to rescue me,

and Gideon being all like, here's what

461

:

happens if I go down, here's the plans.

462

:

You're captain.

463

:

Laura: Yeah, Eilerson sucks.

464

:

Xhafer: Yes.

465

:

Laura: and he was all mopey in

the last episode about getting

466

:

somebody killed, you know?

467

:

And he's like, nah, you two

peons are coming with me.

468

:

Nevermind the danger, like, and

he gets the one of them killed

469

:

in this episode, doesn't he?

470

:

One or

471

:

both.

472

:

Xhafer: Mm hmm.

473

:

Laura: God, he sucks.

474

:

Xhafer: He is the worst.

475

:

Before they head down, Galen shows up

in Gideon's quarters to try and guilt

476

:

him into not going because he'll miss

them and making new friends sucks.

477

:

Laura: No, but that's real.

478

:

Xhafer: So real.

479

:

I feel, I felt, so felt.

480

:

Laura: It's so hard.

481

:

Oh, man.

482

:

Yeah, but, yeah.

483

:

Xhafer: Uh, He shares

the uh, The last words.

484

:

Genius Loki, the spirit of the place.

485

:

As Gideon and crew grab some mobile

infantry and head on down to the planet.

486

:

Laura: Galen disappears in his, like,

traditional Technomage mysterious

487

:

way, and we have, like, some

space wind, and I really, really

488

:

missed, at this moment, the lens

489

:

Xhafer: Uh,

490

:

Laura: I needed those, so we could

have some, some tinkling of the, the

491

:

wind chimes as he space winds away.

492

:

Mmm.

493

:

Xhafer: they launched all these probes

early in the episode and when they get

494

:

down to the surface they found that

they're charcoal now for some reason.

495

:

It is never explained.

496

:

Laura: Yeah.

497

:

And no one is worried that the virus

could still be active here in some way.

498

:

Like, I guess maybe the

probes told us that.

499

:

I don't know.

500

:

Xhafer: Darina explores and

finds a cool light bridge that

501

:

leads to the most inconveniently

placed data crystal in history.

502

:

Laura: Yeah, what is going on here?

503

:

Like, why is this there?

504

:

Or are they all Is everything

just in the blockchain?

505

:

And you just, like, take one

piece and you've got it all?

506

:

I don't know.

507

:

Xhafer: That is not, you know what?

508

:

Fuck it, that's how

blockchain works, nevermind.

509

:

Nevermind.

510

:

Laura: I just want it to be okay.

511

:

It's the cloud blockchain, but yeah,

it's like on the side of a building.

512

:

Xhafer: Those words don't

go together like that.

513

:

I

514

:

Laura: The look on his face as

he like dies, as I say, just

515

:

dumb words and put them together.

516

:

Xhafer: had to deal with

cloud strike yesterday.

517

:

Laura: I'm sorry.

518

:

I should have been more sensitive to year.

519

:

experiences.

520

:

Xhafer: okay.

521

:

It all turned out okay.

522

:

It wasn't that bad for

523

:

Laura: Yeah, yeah.

524

:

But like, why, why do we put this

data crystal on the side of a building

525

:

that is like way up in the air?

526

:

Just so we can have this little

light bridge, like, oh god, it's

527

:

gonna come up, it's gonna stop.

528

:

Xhafer: You know what?

529

:

Actually, in my notes, I questioned this

a ton, but literally after yesterday, why

530

:

do we push an update at 1am that breaks

any computer that's running in the world?

531

:

I'm not gonna ask these questions anymore.

532

:

Maybe this is a safe

place to hide something.

533

:

It's out of the range of the Wi Fi,

so Windows Update can't break it.

534

:

Laura: And then, What turns out to be

on it later, I think, is even more like,

535

:

why is this on the side of a building?

536

:

Xhafer: Oh, it makes no sense whatsoever.

537

:

Laura: yeah, it's just the worst.

538

:

Oh, did you catch that the

Starship Troopers helmets are back?

539

:

Xhafer: I did.

540

:

The guards maybe see something

while Max decodes the crystal.

541

:

Laura: Eilerson gives her

shit about bringing back just

542

:

Xhafer: heh.

543

:

Laura: uh,

544

:

she definitely would like to

push him off a bridge here.

545

:

And I'm all for that.

546

:

Go ahead,

547

:

Xhafer: Yeah, just put him on the bridge.

548

:

Also, why does the bridge stop working

when she pulls the data crystal?

549

:

Also, why does the bridge

retract instead of just failing?

550

:

Laura: Instead of just,

551

:

Xhafer: It's made of light.

552

:

That doesn't make any, ugh.

553

:

Oh

554

:

Laura: worse the more you think about it.

555

:

Xhafer: no.

556

:

Laura: Then we see a security guy gets

got while patrolling the perimeter.

557

:

Xhafer: Um, it's okay.

558

:

I have to, this guy gets got and we cut

back and forth with Max Eilerson, right?

559

:

At this point, Beth walked in the room,

560

:

Laura: Uh

561

:

Xhafer: Looked at the screen,

and goes, why is Michael Bolton

562

:

listening to alien Edgar Allen Poe?

563

:

Laura: He does have a

big Michael Bolton vibe,

564

:

Xhafer: And done.

565

:

Laura: Yeah.

566

:

Very astute observation.

567

:

Xhafer: For more critical insight like

that, listen to the coming podcast,

568

:

Cool Girls Don't Look at Explosions.

569

:

Laura: Yeah,

570

:

Xhafer: Coming soon from the Who Are

You family of Wahaba Her podcasts.

571

:

Laura: Pew, pew, pew.

572

:

Pew, pew,

573

:

Xhafer: Where pew pews are pew pews.

574

:

That's our slogan.

575

:

Laura: Yeah, I like it.

576

:

Xhafer: God, you can tell

it's like 11 o'clock at night.

577

:

Okay.

578

:

Laura: late.

579

:

Xhafer: your fault.

580

:

Heh

581

:

Laura: Yeah, so Eylerson is decoding

the last message of one of the planet's

582

:

inhabitants that was on the side

of this building for some reason.

583

:

I just want to stress that so hard.

584

:

Stress

585

:

Xhafer: It's just this alien's live

journal entry just hanging out on

586

:

the side of a building that is only

accessible by a retracting light bridge.

587

:

Also, if the only way for this thing to

be there is when the crystal is on the

588

:

other side, how did they put it there?

589

:

Heh heh.

590

:

Laura: So

591

:

Xhafer: There was no ledge over

there for them to stand on to

592

:

put it in in the first place.

593

:

Heh heh.

594

:

Laura: Why would, why

isn't it in your room?

595

:

Were you worried about somebody

finding your last will and testament

596

:

when everyone on your planet is dead?

597

:

Like, can't let anybody see my,

my, my space from, you know,:

598

:

so as he's doing this, one of his

linguists also gets God to commercial.

599

:

So way to go.

600

:

I listen.

601

:

Xhafer: Yeah, it starts with

the screaming, and the dying.

602

:

Uh, They send bodies up for autopsy uh,

which the doctor performs while talking

603

:

to Galen, and the doctor knows that

they have all died, very differently.

604

:

Uh, Galen taps into the

probes uh, while Dr.

605

:

Chambers actually solves

the fucking riddle.

606

:

It's a nanovirus that is impacting

other people and making them

607

:

kill the less infected ones.

608

:

Laura: Yeah, so not the Drak Plague.

609

:

Xhafer: yeah.

610

:

And while they're looking at the

nanovirus, Galen sees a sigil.

611

:

Laura: Hmm.

612

:

Xhafer: Letting him know

the origins of this thing.

613

:

But yeah, Dr.

614

:

Chambers goes on.

615

:

It's the least infected who are dying

and the more infected are killing them.

616

:

deduces the attacks come at night

because the solar interference

617

:

during the day prevents them.

618

:

Laura: Oh yeah, the nanobots

can't function with the sunlight,

619

:

basically.

620

:

Xhafer: because it's a multi star system,

and there's a bunch of electromagnetic

621

:

interference that fucks with them.

622

:

Um,

623

:

Laura: analog?

624

:

Maybe werewolves.

625

:

Xhafer: Space, I was going to

say Space Vampires, because

626

:

they can come out any night.

627

:

Werewolves only come out specific

628

:

Laura: Oh, true, true.

629

:

I wasn't thinking of vampires as like

causing wanton destruction though.

630

:

So we've really just like merged the two.

631

:

Yeah.

632

:

Okay.

633

:

Cool.

634

:

Xhafer: he deduces that there must be a

control center broadcasting the commands.

635

:

Laura: Yeah.

636

:

Away from the sun and

any solar interference.

637

:

Xhafer: So he uh, heads down to

the surface to find this thing,

638

:

uh, and he does not let Gideon come

with him when he goes to find it.

639

:

Laura: Smart move.

640

:

If Gideon is infected and goes

down into the, away from the sun,

641

:

he would be a problem, right?

642

:

Xhafer: Exactly.

643

:

It makes sense, which is why when Gideon

immediately takes care of the people

644

:

back at camp and then goes anyways,

it's like, bro, you are the problem.

645

:

You are the wild card here.

646

:

Laura: Yep.

647

:

Xhafer: Ugh.

648

:

Galen finds the Technomage AI that's

doing all of the killing, and this thing

649

:

is just set on being a fucking menace.

650

:

Laura: Yeah.

651

:

There's a lot of Technomage

shade going around.

652

:

I love it.

653

:

Xhafer: Yeah.

654

:

This Technomage AI is the guy

who dressed up as Keith Ledger's

655

:

Joker for six Halloweens in a

656

:

Laura: Uh huh.

657

:

Yeah.

658

:

Yeah.

659

:

Xhafer: He's just not someone

you want to associate with.

660

:

Laura: Yeah.

661

:

No.

662

:

No good.

663

:

Eylorson back, we're like cutting

back and forth between the Technomages

664

:

and what's happening with Eylorson.

665

:

barricaded himself in a room, and now

he's got the zombies pounding at the door.

666

:

So, the consequences of your

own actions coming at you.

667

:

Xhafer: Right?

668

:

Doreena, who's been gone

for like 40 minutes, finally

669

:

shows back up to kill Galen.

670

:

But uh, Gideon is like, actually

completely useless here.

671

:

Mm

672

:

Laura: of completely useless,

Eilerson gets the classic, here's

673

:

Johnny, from his other linguist guy.

674

:

Breaking down his door at the same time.

675

:

Xhafer: Yep.

676

:

Galen saves the day by sacrificing

his staff to kill the AI.

677

:

Okay.

678

:

Laura: at this point, do we?

679

:

No.

680

:

Xhafer: I want to bitch about this.

681

:

Laura: Because he seems very attached

to this thing, but we don't know a

682

:

Xhafer: We get a whole monologue

about how this staff was a gift.

683

:

It's a source of power as a Technomage.

684

:

It's keyed into him, but it cancels

out other Technomage stuff, and

685

:

you needed a Technomage thing

to break a Technomage thing.

686

:

All this shit.

687

:

It's so important.

688

:

I sacrificed so much.

689

:

And then Darina walks in with

it 30 fucking seconds later.

690

:

This is the opposite of Chekhov's gun.

691

:

Laura: Yeah,

692

:

Xhafer: Uh, I'm gonna go ahead

and coin a literary term here.

693

:

This is Abram's Droid.

694

:

Thus named after the Rise of Skywalker.

695

:

Laura: Okay.

696

:

Xhafer: they set up A ton of characters

for growth through sacrifice.

697

:

C 3PO can like, read the Sith

Artifact if they reset his memory.

698

:

And he loses all of his adventures

and all of his memories of all

699

:

nine fucking movies, right?

700

:

And they're like, it's this whole thing.

701

:

They build you for this emotional moment.

702

:

They do it.

703

:

He reads the thing.

704

:

And then R2, like five

seconds later, just dies.

705

:

plugs in and gives him his memories back,

706

:

Laura: Nah.

707

:

Xhafer: thus undoing all of the

sacrifice that would have let

708

:

these characters fucking grow.

709

:

It never fucking mattered.

710

:

It is a It, like, if Chekhov's gun

is the plot device that you set up

711

:

early to use later, Abram's droid

is the plot device you build very

712

:

quickly and then make completely

fucking pointless within 30 seconds.

713

:

Laura: Yeah, yeah.

714

:

Xhafer: so much about how

important Galen's staff is, after

715

:

he just sacrifices it, only for

him to immediately get it back.

716

:

It is fucking worthless.

717

:

It is a waste of dialogue.

718

:

Laura: Yeah, this is something that, and

I was trying to give it the benefit of

719

:

the doubt that like, okay, maybe since

we're watching things out of order,

720

:

like, maybe it's been set up earlier that

721

:

like, Oh, the Technobage

staff is super important.

722

:

They didn't plant any seeds any earlier

in the episode than this, for sure.

723

:

And you would think that if this is the

first place it's gonna come up, you would

724

:

do it earlier in the episode, right?

725

:

Uh, But we did not.

726

:

And I do like Darina getting to like,

have the last word of like, I'm so

727

:

much fucking better than you guys.

728

:

Go away.

729

:

Like.

730

:

Xhafer: There's no way anyone

could possibly retrieve it.

731

:

And she's just all like, here you go, fuck

732

:

Laura: Yeah.

733

:

Yeah.

734

:

Maybe there's no way any man

could retrieve it, but she's not.

735

:

did we, did we talk about

how Gideon shot Darina?

736

:

Like I guess Gideon wasn't so infected

that the sunlight didn't totally

737

:

Xhafer: I mean, he could have been.

738

:

He could have just been so

infected that he shot Darina.

739

:

That's how the virus works.

740

:

Doesn't

741

:

Laura: point.

742

:

I thought he did it because

he was on Galen's side, but

743

:

that's not necessarily true.

744

:

Okay.

745

:

Okay.

746

:

Xhafer: Yep.

747

:

Very ambiguous, and doesn't matter.

748

:

Laura: Oh, we didn't talk about how

when this machine fucking explodes.

749

:

There is a giant fireball with

the Tectomages face in it.

750

:

Did you see that?

751

:

Xhafer: How absurd.

752

:

Laura: It's so absurd.

753

:

It's like, what?

754

:

Why?

755

:

Were you trying to make

me feel something here?

756

:

Because the only thing I feel

is laughter coming out of my

757

:

belly because this is hysterical.

758

:

Xhafer: Yeah.

759

:

so after all this wraps up, Dr.

760

:

Chambers has taken the nanomachines

and adapted it to allow it to

761

:

protect someone from getting

infected on earth for 48 hours.

762

:

Laura: Yeah, so we have like a little.

763

:

Nanosuit we can put on and

maybe go help people, maybe?

764

:

Xhafer: Yeah, you can go down there

for two days and maybe do some

765

:

experiments or see a loved one,

but there's a very limited supply

766

:

of it, so you should probably be

very careful with how you use it.

767

:

Dr.

768

:

Chambers, totally not going to

go visit your niece or something.

769

:

Um,

770

:

Laura: You should have you should

have been able to hear Ja'far's

771

:

eyebrow when he said, see a loved

one, because it was pretty loud.

772

:

That's all I'm saying.

773

:

Xhafer: got a lot of forehead

for them to go up on.

774

:

Lots of, lots of space up there.

775

:

Yeah, it's a bit much.

776

:

It's cool though.

777

:

Hey, it's cool.

778

:

It's

779

:

a

780

:

Laura: idea.

781

:

Yeah.

782

:

Maybe that can be made to work

better somehow and longer.

783

:

Cool.

784

:

Xhafer: Yeah.

785

:

Laura: Gideon comes by asking

Galen if he's gonna stay on board.

786

:

Oh, Galen has, like, little

nanobots himself that are,

787

:

like, repairing his moons.

788

:

Xhafer: Yeah.

789

:

Laura: So interesting.

790

:

Xhafer: That's very techno magey.

791

:

Laura: Yeah.

792

:

But this is when he's, like, having

his huge bum out about the staff

793

:

being destroyed in the machine.

794

:

Xhafer: Yeah.

795

:

We wrap this episode up with a

scene with Gideon and Gideon.

796

:

In his quarters.

797

:

Talking to what I can only

assume is the apocalypse box.

798

:

A chest within a chest.

799

:

Laura: Yeah, it's like got a glowing

thing in it, because of course.

800

:

Xhafer: Laura, I have to ask you.

801

:

Wahapa her?

802

:

Laura: Well now you know and I don't.

803

:

But this fucking magic box.

804

:

I was like, up until this point,

like, I was like, okay, this

805

:

is an okay episode, I guess.

806

:

And then at the magic box, I

was like, what the fuck is this?

807

:

What the fuck is this?

808

:

He

809

:

Xhafer: What is going on?

810

:

Laura: magic box that is

talking to him and glowing.

811

:

And I was like, well, I'm sold.

812

:

This, this is why we

should reboot Crusade.

813

:

Because I, this is so fun.

814

:

But the magic box also

doesn't trust Galen.

815

:

Xhafer: No, don't trust Galen, ooooh,

816

:

Laura: Yeah, why, why

can't we trust Galen?

817

:

I have to know.

818

:

Xhafer: ooooh, it's

819

:

a

820

:

mystery.

821

:

Hahahaha

822

:

Laura: and he turns on his playlist

as he's gonna like chill out and

823

:

fly away somewhere else in space.

824

:

And it is full out.

825

:

Of tribal beats.

826

:

This, this is the music they have

chosen to end this episode on.

827

:

Just like tribal drums.

828

:

Xhafer: You couldn't even get,

like, Nine Inch Nails Ghosts.

829

:

Like, you can tell me that that's

all Technomages ever listened to was

830

:

the Nine Inch Nails Ghosts albums.

831

:

And I would 100 percent believe you.

832

:

That makes perfect sense to me.

833

:

It's like all that survived for them.

834

:

It's all like, all their brains

are interested in comprehending.

835

:

Is, is just fucking

instrumentals from Trent Reznor.

836

:

It's all they want.

837

:

But no, we get.

838

:

Really weird tribal beats.

839

:

Laura: To theme.

840

:

That's the end of this episode.

841

:

So, Ja'far, I really want to

know how you rate this episode.

842

:

Xhafer: We We said one out of four.

843

:

Er, yeah, one out We have to pick a number

of main guns ranging from one to four.

844

:

Laura: Mhm.

845

:

Xhafer: Implying that one is the floor.

846

:

Heh.

847

:

Um, look.

848

:

I had fun making fun of this episode.

849

:

Laura: Mhm.

850

:

Xhafer: That does earn it some credit.

851

:

From me.

852

:

It is not a good episode, um,

but it's absurd and every, every

853

:

opportunity they had to do something

that makes sense they chose not to.

854

:

From the very start of the

episode to the very end.

855

:

Laura: Mhm.

856

:

Mhm.

857

:

Xhafer: And uh, Abram's droid,

as I've coined it, has been a

858

:

long standing pet peeve of mine.

859

:

So I really don't want to give this, this,

this anything, but if I do give this the

860

:

two out of four main guns I'm going to.

861

:

It is solely for the entertainment

value of our conversation, and not

862

:

for actually watching the episode.

863

:

Laura: That is the same logic that

I am applying to this, but I'm

864

:

giving it all four main guns firing

865

:

because I had, I I, was fucking

wheezing at the end at the

866

:

magic box and the tribal drums.

867

:

I could not stop laughing

for like 20 minutes.

868

:

I was like, I cannot wait to

talk to you about this fucking

869

:

magic box and these drums.

870

:

And that is what I'm getting out

of this show is like this stuff.

871

:

is bonkers.

872

:

Some of it is, some of it is not

entertainingly bonkers, but some, most of

873

:

it so far is just hilarious to talk about.

874

:

Xhafer: yeah, it was, it's

so funny, it's so absurd.

875

:

Laura: Last, the episode before

that, cause we watched, Aaron and

876

:

I watched these two right in a row.

877

:

So we had Kevin and then we had

the magic box and the tribal drums.

878

:

And I was just like, this is fun.

879

:

I love talking about

this show with my friend.

880

:

So it really got me.

881

:

This episode got me good.

882

:

Xhafer: Okay.

883

:

Well, let's hope we get something

like that out of the next episode.

884

:

We've got Crusade episode

11, The Needs of Earth.

885

:

Ben, my uh, podcasting padre over on

Last Time On uh, is gonna be joining us.

886

:

And uh, the episode synopsis

is succinct, even for Crusade.

887

:

Laura: Oh no.

888

:

Xhafer: Gideon conducts an illegal raid.

889

:

To free a fugitive with

information that could save Earth.

890

:

Laura: Well, we know Gideon doesn't

play by anybody else's rules.

891

:

Xhafer: But he gets the job done.

892

:

Laura: gets the job done.

893

:

He's like the bad boy of earth

force science exploration.

894

:

Xhafer: Him in jail.

895

:

Good old jail pipes

always gets the job done.

896

:

Oh, all right.

897

:

Well, I'm looking forward to watching,

I haven't watched that one yet, but

898

:

uh, I'm looking forward to watching

it and talking about it with you.

899

:

Laura: Yeah, it's going to be double

the fun, because there will also be Ben,

900

:

so Eight main guns firing, pew pew pew!

901

:

Xhafer: Well, let's hope so.

902

:

But before we get to those main guns

firing, we do have to, of course,

903

:

thank a handful of people who have

had an impact on the podcast that

904

:

are not here to thank themselves.

905

:

Laura: To accept their thanks.

906

:

Xhafer: Good answer.

907

:

Jeremy Siegel.

908

:

Thank you so much for

composing our theme music.

909

:

We appreciate the hell out of it.

910

:

You can find more of Jeremy's work

at Jeremy Siegel 42 dot Bandcamp.

911

:

com or on streaming services as Nuclear

Jaguar where he just dropped some music.

912

:

He's about to drop some music.

913

:

I think he's about to drop some music.

914

:

Maybe by the time this

airs, it will have dropped.

915

:

Laura: Yeah.

916

:

Yeah.

917

:

You've got some time.

918

:

Xhafer: Yeah.

919

:

Yeah, this is a couple weeks still.

920

:

Laura: Get it out, Jeremy.

921

:

Okay.

922

:

Okay.

923

:

Xhafer: to it.

924

:

Laura: And thank you to Angry

Duck Time Machine on Instagram

925

:

for our podcast artwork.

926

:

Yeah.

927

:

Xhafer: this podcast and

making it sound coherent.

928

:

We really appreciate it.

929

:

Laura: And thank you to you, the

listener, for being here with us.

930

:

If you're enjoying the Crusade coverage

and have Crusade thoughts, you can always

931

:

share them at whoareyoub5 at gmail.

932

:

com or uh, join our Discord

and share with the group.

933

:

There's a lot of fun people over

there who are really cool and chill.

934

:

Xhafer: It's the truth.

935

:

Love our Discord community.

936

:

Alright, we'll see you

next week, Internet.

937

:

Laura: Bye!

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About the Podcast

Who Are You?
A Babylon 5 Watchcast
Join Laura and Xhafer, two internet strangers as they get to know each other while making jokes about one of their favorite TV shows from their childhood, Babylon 5.