Episode 138

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Published on:

21st Aug 2024

Crusade 7 - Gary Cole is All of Us

Join Laura and Xhafer, two internet strangers, as they get to know each other while making jokes about one of their favorite TV shows from their childhood, Babylon 5.

Laura and Xhafer record in-person for the first time from Fabulous Las Vegas! Meanwhile, Gideon knows the truth is out there as he searches for an elusive odor on the Excalibur in Crusade: Episode 12 - Visitors from Down the Street.

Transcript
Xhafer:

Hello and welcome to who are you?

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This is the Babylon five watchcast

hosted by two former strangers.

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Now friends who are hanging out in person,

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Laura: Literally.

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Xhafer: in the same room for the first

time ever right now, while talking

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about one of their favorite shows

from their childhood, Babylon five.

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I'm Jafar.

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Laura: And I'm Laura in

person and in con voice.

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Xhafer: Right?

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Laura: It's a little rough over here.

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Xhafer: It's been, it's almost

like we've been drinking for days.

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Laura: we've been drinking for

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Xhafer: I have been in, I

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think the latest I have stayed

up any night this trip, time

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zone adjusting, is 10 30 p.

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Laura: I've stayed

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Xhafer: was last night.

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Laura: any nightless trip

is That was last night.

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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It's That's a

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lot.

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It's been, it's been a great con.

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We're at Star Trek Las Vegas, as

we've alluded to happening many

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times in the previous weeks.

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It's,

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Laura: the last six months, really, yes.

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Xhafer: it's Sunday, so we're

mostly through the con right now.

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We're gonna go watch Todd Stashwick

run a D& D game right after this.

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That's gonna be a lot of fun.

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It's been a great convention.

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What are some of the highlights for you?

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Laura: for me, the

highlights are my friends.

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Like, seeing friends that I have met

only online and getting to meet them

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in person is my number one thing.

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But I did also really enjoy, as far as,

like, panel wise seeing Kate Mulgrew

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and John Delancey talk to each other.

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Xhafer: an excellent panel.

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Laura: Just like unmoderated conversation

flowing between these two people who

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have been friends for a very long time.

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And also we love them because

they're in our favorite show.

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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Laura: What about you?

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Xhafer: Um, that Kate Mulgrew,

John DeLancey panel for sure.

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Um, the Star Trek Strange New Worlds

cast panels this morning were fantastic.

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The energy that they all

have for Trek is fantastic.

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And just being able to

absorb some of that.

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Um, lots of I mean this

year's a bit different.

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So this is con number three for me.

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And this year we really

rolled out with a crew.

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Laura: you know,

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we've

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Xhafer: you know, we've got us and

our respective partners Ben from

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last time on and uh, Glorianne

from Cool Girls are all here.

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Some friends of mine from

college have come along.

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Some friends from the

Greatest Generation podcast

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listener pool.

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Laura: the FOD meetup.

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Xhafer: Oh, there's no way.

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There's so many here.

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There's, I would say, from the

FOD meetups, like, I mean, we

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were at the Cabanica two years

ago, there was like eight of us.

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Last year there was maybe 15.

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There's gonna be 30

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Laura: Yeah.

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I think

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so.

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Xhafer: year, easy.

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And a lot of people didn't know it

was gonna be on Monday and aren't

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Laura: lot

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Xhafer: So it's gonna

be a lot tomorrow, too.

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Um, a handful of people in that

community I am friends with outside

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of being a part of that community.

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A handful I am not.

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I have not gotten to spend

any time with any of them that

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I didn't fly out here with.

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So I'm looking forward to that tomorrow.

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It's just been a lot.

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It's been, I mean, our, I mean, my

sister decided to come out last minute,

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Laura: here.

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Xhafer: you know, there's 12 of us here

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Laura: I've met a member

of Ja'far's family now.

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It's so cool.

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Xhafer: Yeah, it's it's been a

really good time and been trying to

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do a little bit more Vegas stuff.

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Uh, The first year was all convention.

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The second year I wanted to

do Vegas off the strip stuff.

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This year I've tried to do a

bunch of Vegas on the strip stuff.

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So I've been to a couple other hotel

and casinos just to wander around.

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Went and had dinner at

Morimoto's a couple nights ago.

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Which was fantastic.

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Um, great meal.

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So yeah, it's just been about

all that for me this year.

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And I've had a really good time.

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Uh, I'm not quite ready to go

home, but I feel myself on the

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precipice of being ready to go

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Laura: being ready to go home.

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Which

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Xhafer: Which

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is the perfect place to be.

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I think I'm going to be here.

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Just the right amount of time.

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If the time zones worked in a different

direction for heading home, I would

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probably be heading home Monday night

instead of Tuesday morning, but just

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that cut in time, I'm not taking a red

eye back from Vegas for four hours.

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It's not enough time to sleep.

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So I will just uh, head back

Tuesday morning and go with there.

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Yeah.

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Laura: I figure I'm probably going to need

a really good night of sleep on Monday,

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considering how late I've stayed up.

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Xhafer: Yeah.

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Uh, Might I recommend Benny and a bourbon?

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It's a sleep aid method

that I profess sometimes.

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It's a shot of bourbon and two Benadryl.

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You will fall asleep

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immediately,

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Laura: Fall asleep.

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Be ready.

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I promise.

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So yeah, it's

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Xhafer: so yeah, it's been really fun.

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It's it's podcast in person.

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I mean, we normally record with video

on, so it doesn't feel like it's alien at

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all because we normally read off of each

other's like facial cues and stuff to have

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like a conversation like normal people

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Laura: Yeah, exactly.

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Xhafer: But it is it's fun.

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I'm glad that we've found the time

to do this like this Because the

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opportunity has been very rare for that

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Laura: Yeah, for sure.

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Xhafer: So

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Laura: Being in separate time zones

is already a challenge sometimes.

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Even though it's the one hour time

zone, it's really not that hard.

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Xhafer: still, it still has

been impactful, and if that

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ever changes, which it might.

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There's been talk about

possibly moving to Scotland.

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Laura: my.

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Xhafer: We'll figure it out if that

happens, but I don't, right now

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it's more of a pipe dream, but they

really need people in my field.

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And I'm not particularly happy with it.

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Much of the political situation,

much of the situation in the

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United States, generally speaking.

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Laura: stuff and things.

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Xhafer: Not even just like the

ones you're probably thinking of

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Anyways that's probably not

happening for a long time.

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Laura: not

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Xhafer: But what is happening,

very quickly, is us talking about

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this episode of Babylon 5 Crusade.

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We've got episode 12 Visitors

from Down the Street.

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We open on what has to be the

biggest question Babylon 5 has

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Laura: ever.

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Yes.

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Xhafer: Why the fuck is a

spaceship on Eastern Standard

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Laura: on an Eastern standard time?

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Oh, I thought the question

was, what is that smell?

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That's the second biggest question.

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Xhafer: sure.

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we find out what the smell is.

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We probably will never find out why

the Crusade is, well, why the Excalibur

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is running on Eastern Standard.

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Laura: Yeah, sure.

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Xhafer: That's such a bizarre

choice for absolutely no

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reason as far as I can fathom.

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Laura: I was really delighted by

this whole smell subplot, though,

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because, you know, Gary Cole, as we

have already alluded to, in office

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space, and this was a real thing

not that long ago in my office.

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We all walk in one morning,

and it's like, what and where?

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is that smell.

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Something, something had

died somewhere in the walls.

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I don't remember if we talked

about this on pod, but I think

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we definitely talked about

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this.

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That for just a couple of days, like

the building maintenance was, the smell

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was worst in my office, of course.

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And they were like drilling holes in my

wall to stick a camera up there, trying

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to figure out where the thing had died.

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And they couldn't, they tried from the

bottom, they tried from the top, but

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there was like something in the way.

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And uh, they're like this guy

that Gary Cole has apparently

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been sending into the tubes.

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They're just like, I don't know

man, it's, I can't find it, but

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Xhafer: yeah.

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Um, I don't, I don't empathize.

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Like, I don't, I have, I have problems

understanding the situation because I

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have a super keen sense of smell and

so I smell shit that like, people don't

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smell all the time to the point where

I'm just, I've given up on It it used to

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be a game in college, I could tell you

what the specials were in the cafeterias,

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walking outside, like, walking around

outside the buildings on our way in, I

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could tell you what all the specials were.

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Laura: the specials were.

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Xhafer: Um,

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and if I wasn't so, I don't

know how I'm congested in

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Vegas, this is a fucking desert,

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Laura: It's, it's the cigarette smoke.

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It's gotta be.

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Xhafer: sense, yeah.

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Actually, now that you say

it, that's obviously but.

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Yeah, it's just, I just will

always smell something like

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Laura: that.

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I

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understand.

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Xhafer: so I've just given up on

it, but I understand what Gideon's

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going through as he just gets

obsessed with the smell on the tram.

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And then they quickly get a distress

signal from a flying saucer.

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And we find aliens that are

clearly Mulder and Scully aboard.

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Laura: Obviously, like the red

tentacles for Scully's red hair.

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It's like, this is a delight.

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I'm enjoying this.

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Uh, And for some reason we are

wearing earth business suits.

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We have one male, one female.

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We have the tentacle hair.

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We've got paranoia and we got guns.

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Like they seem to have regular guns

that our molder analog pulls out.

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So wait,

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I

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Xhafer: called them Mulder and

Scully in my notes the entire time.

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I know that they had other names.

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I did not bother to write them

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Laura: No, I'm not sure that

Scully was ever given a name.

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And I'm looking back at our

producer, and he's just shrugging.

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He doesn't know either.

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Xhafer: I think they had a name for her

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Laura: referred to Mulder more

often, and his name was Durkhani.

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I caught that, but I

didn't ever catch a name

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Xhafer: think he says

her name at one point.

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Laura: once.

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Yeah.

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Xhafer: Typical for 90s sci fi.

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Laura: Yeah.

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Xhafer: They uh, grab one of the

guards from the Excalibur because

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they want a hostage, but that doesn't

quite according to plan when Matheson

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telepaths into Mulder and makes

him think that his gun is a snake,

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Laura: is a snake,

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Xhafer: interesting, like, choice.

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Laura: Like,

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Xhafer: Like, you're

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assuming that one, they have snakes.

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Like, I, I guess, I guess it

could work one of two ways.

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You either make him fear the thing

in his hand and he saw the snake.

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Which implies that they are an

alien planet that has snakes

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that are recognizable to humans.

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And scary.

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Um, or, he put the snake there and

the dude had no idea what the fuck it

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Laura: it was.

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Yeah,

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which would

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Xhafer: It's just like, for, I

don't know, for tentacle aliens,

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snakes feels like a weird choice.

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Because they're not quite Medusas, right?

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But they've got that kind of generic

shape as part of their being.

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Laura: kind of generic shape

as part of their being.

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Yeah, I just wouldn't

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Xhafer: Yeah, I just would like,

I don't know, go for like, Mammal.

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Laura: what

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Xhafer: Something that is not

clearly what they look like.

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Although I guess maybe that's what they

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Laura: I guess maybe that's what they

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eat.

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Yeah,

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a ton about the new

telepath rules and such.

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And so this, the snake projection

leads into a discussion between

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Gideon and Matheson about

like what he's allowed to do.

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You know, he was, it's

an emergency situation.

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I'm allowed to project this, but I'm

not, still not able to invade his mind.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Xhafer: But he says that

they were broadcasting fear.

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So.

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They uh, get taken into custody, and

as they're being led to the brig, we

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get a flashback to the two of them

needing evidence for their claims

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and heading into space to find it.

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We see these, like, space shuttles, right?

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They look like Earth space

shuttles that they've got.

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But they're escape pods or flying saucers?

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Laura: is an interesting

choice for an escape pod.

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Xhafer: It seems like a very poor

use of, like, physical space.

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Laura: Uh Huh.

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Xhafer: Like, if you're

flying saucers, right?

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You have, because you need the

rotation for whatever reason?

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I don't understand what purpose

that would serve for an escape pod

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that's only going to be In space.

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It's a very ineffective means of

locomotion, especially in space.

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Laura: Yeah,

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Xhafer: Um, if it does anything,

I don't, I mean, there might be a

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way to make it do a little bit by,

like, fucking with the weight as it's

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spitting, but it seems very inefficient.

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Laura: And you would think

that as an escape pod, like you

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need to maximize efficiency.

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These are your lifeboats.

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Like you need to have pods for everyone

on that ship and so they need to be

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very efficiently shaped and sized

and located so that in an emergency

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we're getting on those pods and

we're getting the hell out of here.

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I don't think a saucer is

your most efficient shape.

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Xhafer: No, unless they were, like,

loaded in a manner where, like, the brims

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were kind of, like, overlapping, maybe?

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if they did serve some kind of

purpose that I don't understand.

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I know it's just, like, it's the

X Files, so they're in a flying

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Laura: Right, we need to do

this for like, other reasons,

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Xhafer: it's for the bit, for sure,

which I will always appreciate doing

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something for the bit like that.

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But it's just, I don't know.

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Laura: It's funny.

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If you think about it, it's funny.

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But that's, you know, this

episode is supposed to be funny.

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So good for them.

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The other thing I wanted to point out

about this episode, before we get too

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far, because I noticed it right away, was

that I love the music so much more, and

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it's because they're doing X Files music.

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They're not trying to do Crusade music,

and this X Files music is much better.

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Xhafer: Yeah, it slaps.

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For sure.

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It's much better than our normal

synthcore Technomage drumbeats.

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Laura: Yeah, that's a good one.

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Xhafer: God, that's a YouTube

channel I never want to find.

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Laura: and

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Xhafer: Anyways Gideon Mrs.

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Coffee and the Wind.

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He has a conversation about things on

spaceships and how they're different.

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I imagine I would feel similarly.

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I, I feel kind of the same being cooped

up in this hotel for several days.

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Laura: huh, yeah.

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Xhafer: Like, if it wasn't 110 out,

maybe, I'd go get some air on my face, but

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Laura: Yeah, the air

hurts your face right now.

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So no, thank

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you.

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Yeah, I could really dial back the

wind being from where the wind comes

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sweeping down the plane, you know, at

like 70 miles an hour or whatever it is.

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But,

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you

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Xhafer: don't get that up in Michigan.

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Laura: we do some, some serious wind

and uh, I could dial it back a little,

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but I would also, I think I would have

that whole stale canned air problem

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if I was on a spaceship or station.

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Xhafer: I

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could definitely, it would get to me

sooner rather than later for sure.

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Laura: they're very

confused about these aliens.

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Uh,

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Xhafer: There are some

incongruities that don't quite line

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Laura: Yes, Dr.

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Chambers not seen in this episode, but

she has provided intel that they are

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very different from humans, but they

have a lot of knowledge of English.

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They are, they speak a different language.

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they are translating in

their minds to English.

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You can tell that from like

their brainwaves and stuff.

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And then of course they

are dressed like humans.

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So what's going on?

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Xhafer: are dressed like humans.

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So what's going on?

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Mulder is unable to hold down

his contempt at Gideon's lack of

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knowledge of the grand conspiracy

of which he is clearly a part of.

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Laura: the episode,

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Xhafer: He learned English from

recordings that he found deep underground.

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But also later in the episode,

they make it sound like English

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is a super common language that

they've been letting everyone learn.

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So, did he just get a jump start

on it and then they said fuck it?

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Or, I don't know.

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It doesn't really

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Laura: it, or, I don't know.

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It doesn't really matter.

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That might be what happened.

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Gideon agrees

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Xhafer: that might be what happened.

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Gideon agrees to uh, bring him whatever

he needs from their pod to prove his

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case that there is a conspiracy and if

Mulder can prove it, Gideon will take

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them home personally to investigate

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Laura: Meanwhile, B plot, a grunt, is

in the tubes, looking for the smell.

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Xhafer: Can't find that smell.

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Laura: Yeah.

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Hm.

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Xhafer: Mulder uh, makes

his case to Gideon.

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He's got a picture of a blimp

that was labeled swamp gases.

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Laura: huh.

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Xhafer: A crash landing

of humans and a golf

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Laura: Yeah.

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I'm wondering about the golf club.

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I mean, the crash landing

was labeled weather balloon.

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Yes, I'm pretty sure Where

how did we get the golf club?

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Xhafer: You see it on

TV, you've intercepted

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Laura: You make your own golf club, okay.

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Yeah

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Xhafer: there's a photo of Mount Rushmore.

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Laura: Yes, I like how we sent

this probe to earth, you know Uh,

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Mulder talks about he personally

ordered this probe somehow to Earth.

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And Mount Rushmore is what you see.

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You don't see like the cities and

the peoples and the satellites.

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Xhafer: was never actually at earth.

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Laura: Yeah.

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Okay.

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Okay.

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Xhafer: Yeah, no, they've never

actually had, they can't, they can

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barely leave their solar system.

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Laura: Yeah.

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Xhafer: there's no way.

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Laura: Yeah.

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So he's getting the falsified probe.

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Okay.

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Xhafer: yeah, I mean, so the implication

is that these aliens think that

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they are like next door to Earth,

like y'all are neighbors, right?

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Laura: Earth, like,

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Xhafer: Crusade is that they're like

out on the fringes of known space.

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They're going to civilizations that

are all dead or whatever way out

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there, because anything that's close,

They would have explored already, or

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the Mimbari would have, or someone,

you know, the Centauri, someone

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would have already done some shit.

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So they're out in the area of space

where they don't know shit about shit.

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Laura: shit.

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And so there's

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Xhafer: so there's no way that

they are anywhere close to Earth.

408

:

Laura: just

409

:

Xhafer: So it's just happenstance.

410

:

They, there's no way they

could probably reach Earth.

411

:

And I don't think the government

would want to pick a planet, because

412

:

I mean, as we find out at the end of

this episode, this is all a ploy, this

413

:

is all a big government conspiracy.

414

:

Laura: It's like layers

upon layers upon layers.

415

:

It's an onion.

416

:

You keep pulling apart

and it keeps being more.

417

:

Xhafer: More of the onion, exactly.

418

:

Um, I would think that you would not

want to be close to the race that you

419

:

are blaming for all of your problems.

420

:

Because there will certainly be

some expectation to do some shit.

421

:

Laura: Yeah.

422

:

Xhafer: the conspiracy is ever unveiled.

423

:

Laura: Mm hmm.

424

:

So, we flashback, we have

another, like, Mulder and Scully

425

:

being assaulted in their office.

426

:

And speaking of layers and onions,

they assault one of these attackers,

427

:

they manage to subdue one.

428

:

Xhafer: warned you about this

429

:

Laura: You did I had no idea what

you're talking about listeners So, you

430

:

know, we've had a busy con and there

was a time yesterday where I was like,

431

:

okay I'm going up to watch crusade

now and Aaron and I both sat down.

432

:

We got the episode downloaded.

433

:

We start watching it and Aaron is

literally nodding off on the couch.

434

:

Not necessarily because this is a bad

episode All episodes of crusade are not

435

:

the best but it this one is not that bad

436

:

Xhafer: Yeah.

437

:

Laura: But we're just tired

because it's a busy con.

438

:

So he goes and lays down and

I'm like I'm too tired to take

439

:

notes, but I'll just watch.

440

:

No dead ass asleep for 30

minutes of the episode.

441

:

I caught like the front

five and the back five

442

:

Xhafer: So

443

:

Laura: and that's it.

444

:

So I did watch it again today and

Ja'far had already made like a

445

:

reference to this sometime yesterday.

446

:

So we have this attacker that.

447

:

We have subdued him.

448

:

I don't know if he's

dead or just knocked out.

449

:

We, we realize his face is a mask.

450

:

We pull it off.

451

:

Underneath his face is a human face.

452

:

And of course my, my little brain

is spinning about, Oh, okay, well,

453

:

are there some like rogue humans

out here, like pulling a long con?

454

:

Xhafer: Oh, yeah, I totally

for a second there I thought

455

:

it was like IPX doing some shit

456

:

Laura: yeah.

457

:

I'm like, okay, so who's,

who's pulling this long con?

458

:

And then as the, you know, the

dramatic moment progresses.

459

:

We pull off the human face and

underneath it is another alien face.

460

:

Xhafer: Yep The same alien to be

clear not some third unknown alien

461

:

Laura: yes,

462

:

true.

463

:

Xhafer: what if it was like a

Narn under there or something?

464

:

Laura: That'd be hysterical.

465

:

You can just keep the conspiracy

just going and going and going.

466

:

Yeah.

467

:

Xhafer: another mask,

and then another mask.

468

:

Laura: but they don't

pull that bit too far.

469

:

You know, we just have the three

faces, but I had a very good chuckle.

470

:

Xhafer: Yeah, it's so absurd.

471

:

This is the highlight of

this episode for me, 100%.

472

:

The mask under the mask

is just so, so good.

473

:

Gideon wants to know why.

474

:

That's, that's the big question here.

475

:

It's all like, Okay, well, yeah, it

looks like humans have fucked around

476

:

on your world, and there's some Like,

you shouldn't fucking know English.

477

:

Like, there's some problems here.

478

:

But why the fuck would we even care?

479

:

Like, we're not in, like, we're

not running around trying to, like,

480

:

enslave species or something, and we're

prepping you for that, a la, like,

481

:

some childhood end or some V shit, you

know, like, none of that is going on

482

:

Laura: shit.

483

:

You

484

:

Xhafer: Um, that's not what

humanity's doing in the stars.

485

:

So it's just like, what the actual

486

:

Laura: doing.

487

:

So it's just like, what

the Yes, very much so.

488

:

Xhafer: very much so.

489

:

He's just like, it doesn't make

sense and then another ship pulls

490

:

up, also unidentified, and they

hail the Excalibur in English.

491

:

Laura: And Gary

492

:

Xhafer: And Gary Cole here drops

493

:

just a charm of a line,

494

:

either more of the, it's either more

of the same race, or there is an

495

:

extremely busy English teacher hiding

496

:

Laura: an extremely busy English teacher

497

:

Xhafer: And it's Glow, we find out, is

the extremely busy English teacher out

498

:

Laura: the extremely busy

English teacher out there.

499

:

Yes.

500

:

We've been working on our speech and

our drama clearly with all these aliens.

501

:

Yes.

502

:

Um, I wanted to say one

thing about before we get Mr.

503

:

Kendar on

504

:

Xhafer: to our

505

:

Laura: and we get this hail.

506

:

We had Mulder.

507

:

giving us this very impassioned speech

about, you know, these aliens, you,

508

:

you all are controlling our government.

509

:

You are cutting the money to our

schools so that we're ignorant and we

510

:

cannot confront you and fight back.

511

:

You are cutting our public housing

to keep us in disarray and poor.

512

:

Um, and it's just kind of sad

because it feels a little real

513

:

that Our alien is projecting

514

:

the shittiness of his own government

and people onto this crazy conspiracy

515

:

theory about aliens because I

feel like we've had that recently.

516

:

Yes.

517

:

Like this is happening to us actively.

518

:

Xhafer: feel like we've

had that recently, yes?

519

:

Like, this is happening to us actively.

520

:

Laura: Yes.

521

:

Xhafer: Not just holding the

entire government accountable,

522

:

which is what we should be doing.

523

:

Laura: Yeah.

524

:

And that's why Jaffer

wants to move to Scotland.

525

:

Xhafer: Considering.

526

:

so, they want a molder, the alien

shows up, you put, you wrote down

527

:

his name, I literally just called

him the cigarette smoking man.

528

:

The entire time.

529

:

I, I also did not bother with his

name because that's clearly who this

530

:

character was, well before he pulls

out a cigarette in the third act.

531

:

Laura: was well before he pulls

out a cigarette in the third act.

532

:

So, Big Man is a government

533

:

Xhafer: So the cigarette smoking man is a

government agent who basically represents

534

:

the head of the conspiracy to hide aliens.

535

:

Um, I don't think he's with the FBI.

536

:

I don't remember.

537

:

He's not like their boss.

538

:

I think he's Mulder's dad or something.

539

:

Laura: It's always your dad.

540

:

Xhafer: something,

541

:

there's

542

:

Laura: the dads.

543

:

We want to fight our

544

:

Xhafer: there's like a familial

connection there somewhere.

545

:

Maybe he's an uncle or something.

546

:

I don't know.

547

:

I haven't watched The X Files

in, well, 20 years give or take.

548

:

So, I don't really remember

a lot of the details there.

549

:

But he is the uh, The effective

representative of the human

550

:

side of the conspiracy to

hide alien activity on Earth.

551

:

Um, he's the guy who actually

knows what's going on.

552

:

Laura: Mm-Hmm.

553

:

Xhafer: And is a constant

thorn in the side of Mulder

554

:

Laura: and in this case, he's the guy

actively making all the shit up about the

555

:

aliens rather than the guy hiding aliens.

556

:

He's the guy like planting all the pieces.

557

:

Xhafer: cigarette smoking

man comes on board.

558

:

He explains

559

:

uh, what's

560

:

going on?

561

:

Basically, he gets Mulder and Scully to

kind of play their hand a little bit.

562

:

Um, he explains this is

all just a uh, a setup.

563

:

This is all there so that they don't

get conquered or great barriered out

564

:

of existence until they can catch

up with the rest of the galaxy.

565

:

They know that they are technologically

enfeebled compared to all the other major

566

:

races and want to spend time together.

567

:

Not leaving their immediate star system,

and so they are purposefully, as a

568

:

society, humbling themselves in order

to have time to develop more advanced

569

:

technology, so that way when they

do go out into the greater universe,

570

:

they don't just get curb stomped

571

:

Laura: Yeah, and this is, he confronts

Mulder and Scully, but the explanation

572

:

winds up being to just Gideon, I think.

573

:

and as, as all of these things are

like happening, Mulder eventually

574

:

kidnaps the cigarette smoking man.

575

:

He's the hostage.

576

:

He is demanding that Gideon

charge the pod, I think.

577

:

We want to get out of here,

you know, give me my helicopter

578

:

Xhafer: gotta get out.

579

:

Laura: or my, my airplane and my bucket

of cash and uh, we'll be on our way.

580

:

And Gideon's like, this

is all so fucking stupid.

581

:

I would love to just do that.

582

:

Can we just do that at

583

:

this point?

584

:

Xhafer: leave?

585

:

Laura: Yeah, yeah.

586

:

But as, as Mulder has kidnapped

the cigarette smoking man,

587

:

smells, he smells it in the tube.

588

:

He's like, oh, what?

589

:

There's a, there's a horrible smell.

590

:

What is that?

591

:

Xhafer: go through the tunnels on foot.

592

:

The mobile infantry is looking around

when Gideon finds the source of

593

:

the smell and pours poop on people.

594

:

Laura: that's

595

:

the, that's it.

596

:

That's the payoff.

597

:

I.

598

:

Was a little surprised.

599

:

I thought that we were gonna like play

it into like, oh, it knocks them the

600

:

the horrible smell Knocks out the aliens

and that's how we like catch up to them

601

:

and and take care of everything Nope.

602

:

Nope, literally just Gideon's like, oh

my god he sees the pipe that is loose

603

:

and he's like it's this pipe and he

just like grabs it and pulls it and

604

:

then just Plop, plop, plop, plop, plop.

605

:

Just, just poop.

606

:

Just it's chocolate

607

:

Saw a chocolate fountain.

608

:

The prop

609

:

Xhafer: As someone who recently

saw a chocolate fountain

610

:

in Hershey, Pennsylvania,

611

:

It's exactly what it looked like.

612

:

The prop was identical to the one

on the little Hershey ride you

613

:

Laura: by and

614

:

Xhafer: World, yeah.

615

:

Laura: little whiff.

616

:

And then Gideon

617

:

Xhafer: So yep, it's just a bunch of

waste, all comes pouring out of there.

618

:

It just gets loosened every time it rolls

by and lets out a little whiff and then

619

:

Gideon just breaks the fucking thing.

620

:

And just makes it so much worse.

621

:

And I don't even want to think

about having to repair that.

622

:

They're on like a ladder,

they're like climbing up

623

:

Laura: They're climbing

past the pipe, yeah,

624

:

Xhafer: So we know that there's We've seen

a large group of people with him on both

625

:

when they get out and before they go in.

626

:

The implication is that, like, he just

poured poop on, like, 20 people on

627

:

Laura: he just poured

poop on like 20 people.

628

:

Yeah.

629

:

Because we

630

:

Xhafer: Because we see, like, a dozen

when they're out in the next scene,

631

:

and none of them are covered in poop.

632

:

Laura: of

633

:

Xhafer: So, there's gotta be

more people that were covered in

634

:

Laura: there's got to

be more people that were

635

:

Xhafer: Like, don't worry

about shooting this dude

636

:

anymore, just go, go take a

637

:

Laura: about shooting this dude anymore.

638

:

Just go, go take a shower.

639

:

to go see Dr.

640

:

Chambers about

641

:

Xhafer: So, Giddy and the troops

get Mulder and Scully here.

642

:

And he gets some breeze for his troubles.

643

:

Laura: the trains

644

:

Xhafer: as the trains run

by, he feels Breeze on his

645

:

Laura: peace out on their

646

:

Xhafer: Mulder and Scully peace out

on their escape pod when they find

647

:

the cigarette smoking man's gun was

never loaded in the first place.

648

:

laughs it all off.

649

:

And then he turns from cigarette

smoking man to Ozymandias.

650

:

This whole using humanity in a

scapegoat is to prevent Yeah, you can't

651

:

Laura: blame for everything.

652

:

That's the actual reason

for the conspiracy.

653

:

Gideon

654

:

Xhafer: monster

655

:

Laura: on

656

:

Xhafer: we're all

657

:

no good.

658

:

There's no way this actually works, right?

659

:

Like, they've been like, their

government's been seeding all this

660

:

stuff about human intervention

and now humans have intervened?

661

:

Laura: Oops.

662

:

Xhafer: Like, if anything, this

just makes the conspiracy stronger.

663

:

Laura: this is going to get spun, right?

664

:

Like this is a gift to

Ozzy Mandias accidentally,

665

:

Xhafer: For

666

:

Laura: I do love Gary Cole's like

chaotic energy about the whole thing.

667

:

Like, let's do it.

668

:

Let's fuck some shit up.

669

:

Yeah.

670

:

Xhafer: this is like gotta be one of

the hardest fuck the prime directive

671

:

moves in history like obviously they

don't have the prime directive But this

672

:

is a pre warp species that is being

intervened with by their own government

673

:

faking out stuff for humanity and just

like Completely change the development

674

:

and future of this species in like 30

seconds because you're pissed of one

675

:

Laura: at one dude.

676

:

It's some real, like, Janeway.

677

:

I feel like Janeway might pull

this if she was mad enough.

678

:

Xhafer: Yeah, that's fair

679

:

Laura: rare.

680

:

Yeah,

681

:

Xhafer: damn just the whole thing

just just damn after all this wraps,

682

:

Gideon goes to the tunnels to feel

wind and drink some tea to credits

683

:

Laura: goes to the tunnel wind

684

:

Xhafer: So I got to ask Laura,

on a scale of one to four main

685

:

guns firing, how do you feel

686

:

about this

687

:

Laura: a scale of 1 4 main guns firing?

688

:

X Files pop culture just

existing in the 90s.

689

:

Like I understood the references,

not all of them, obviously, because

690

:

I didn't know the cigarette smoking

man, but I, I got the suits and

691

:

I got the hair and, and Scully's

whole deal and Mulder's whole deal.

692

:

And I loved how over it Gary Cole was

like, Gideon's just like, what the fuck?

693

:

This is stupid.

694

:

This is all four main guns firing.

695

:

I'm having a great time here.

696

:

Xhafer: This

697

:

is all four main guns firing.

698

:

I'm having a hard time here.

699

:

Laura: guns firing at

700

:

you.

701

:

It

702

:

Xhafer: for the con.

703

:

It

704

:

Laura: perfect for the con.

705

:

Like, this was great vibes

for this in person record.

706

:

Xhafer: Yeah, no, this was just

the hilarious episode that I really

707

:

fucking wanted out of this show.

708

:

Laura: Uh Huh

709

:

Xhafer: And it wasn't

another dead fucking world.

710

:

Laura: Yeah.

711

:

I got to describe the magic box to

somebody yesterday at the masquerade

712

:

bar at like 3:00 AM and how, how

much I fucking loved the box.

713

:

I was like, this, this is

the moment I turned and I was

714

:

like, I fucking love this show.

715

:

Give me more fucking magic box.

716

:

Like it was, it was a great conversation,

717

:

Xhafer: It's so absurd.

718

:

I don't know where you go from here.

719

:

Laura: know

720

:

Xhafer: Um, I know that we've got,

like, we've been kind of hanging out in,

721

:

like, the middle of the pack of episodes

after the increased budget from TNT hit.

722

:

I know that without the necessity of,

like, our watch order and how we're

723

:

going about things, we're going to

be going back to earlier produced

724

:

episodes that were pre the budget

725

:

increase.

726

:

Laura: here.

727

:

Xhafer: And we've seen what these

ones look like, so I don't know

728

:

that the series is going to get

any better than this episode.

729

:

We'll see.

730

:

But we won't be finding out next

week, because next week we go

731

:

on our mid season movie break.

732

:

We're going to watch Office Space.

733

:

We were hoping to watch Office Space

and do it here at STLV and invite a

734

:

bunch of our friends to come along and

watch it and talk about it with us.

735

:

I don't think that's happening.

736

:

Laura: no, I think we've used up a lot of

our time doing other things, but they were

737

:

all very important, fun, other things.

738

:

Xhafer: For sure.

739

:

Uh, No regrets on how we spent

the time at the convention.

740

:

It's just not gonna happen.

741

:

So we'll record it sometime after we

get back and have time to recover.

742

:

Um, there may or may not be guests for it.

743

:

Laura: Yeah, no idea.

744

:

We'll see what happens.

745

:

Xhafer: we haven't, we haven't

talked to anyone about it.

746

:

We'll see.

747

:

We'll see what happens.

748

:

I don't know.

749

:

Maybe tomorrow at the pool

party we'll put out some

750

:

Laura: Yeah.

751

:

this is a magical place.

752

:

Magic can happen.

753

:

We can believe.

754

:

Xhafer: I saw Sean Farrick in a

hallway earlier today and just

755

:

pointed at him and said, Thank you.

756

:

And he looked at me and

said, No, thank you.

757

:

And it was a magical moment.

758

:

So I mean, Yeah, it's, it's, it, Strange

things can happen at Star Trek Las Vegas.

759

:

So we'll see what happens then.

760

:

But before we see what happens, We

have to, of course, say thank you.

761

:

Laura: Of course.

762

:

Xhafer: Jeremy, man, I wish you were here.

763

:

I understand you're not and the

stuff going on that led up to that.

764

:

I know you got some stuff

going on in your life.

765

:

taken up some time later in the year.

766

:

So bummer, maybe next year it'd be

great to have a beer and shoot the shit.

767

:

But until then, I have to say thank you

for composing the lovely theme music.

768

:

Laura: And if you want to find

more of Jeremy, you can do that.

769

:

He is a nuclear Jaguar on iTunes,

Spotify, all those other things.

770

:

And also on band camp.

771

:

As JeremySiegel42.

772

:

bandcamp.

773

:

com where he's the only Jeremy

Siegel of any importance.

774

:

Xhafer: Angry Duck Time Machine,

thanks so much for our art.

775

:

We need to talk to you really

soon about the Battlestar art.

776

:

Yeah,

777

:

Laura: Yes.

778

:

I, I will get on that.

779

:

I think we've made some decisions on that.

780

:

Xhafer: Okay,

781

:

yeah.

782

:

I think, I think we know

what we're going to do.

783

:

Laura: Okay.

784

:

Xhafer: Aaron, in the room.

785

:

you're going to lean in if you want.

786

:

You don't have to say anything.

787

:

You can, you're going to,

well, you're just going to edit

788

:

it out if you don't like it.

789

:

So that's fine.

790

:

Uh, Thanks so much for

editing the podcast.

791

:

Yeah.

792

:

Laura: Thanks

793

:

Xhafer: And just

794

:

Laura: Bye.

795

:

Bye.

796

:

Xhafer: It's been cool to just chill.

797

:

Laura: It's been great.

798

:

And thank you listeners for being

here for this very special episode,

799

:

very special episode of crusade and

very special episode of our podcast.

800

:

We're so glad you were here.

801

:

If you want to chat about it,

please join our discord or email

802

:

us at who are you B five at gmail.

803

:

com.

804

:

Xhafer: I'm here for another Two

805

:

days, and I will be only taking

any corrections for those two days

806

:

handed over with a tiki drink.

807

:

Those be the

808

:

Laura: right, bye.

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About the Podcast

Who Are You?
A Babylon 5 Watchcast
Join Laura and Xhafer, two internet strangers as they get to know each other while making jokes about one of their favorite TV shows from their childhood, Babylon 5.